Instant Blogger, just add alcohol

men are from mars, women are from venus

2008-12-24T06:47:00.000-08:00

Men and women are such different creatures, i never really realized just how much so. there is a book that came out years ago i think i need to check out "men are from mars, women are from venus".
I found out this weekend that men truly are simple beings, they are one track minded and hopefully the one track is not associated with their penis. TPR broke it down to me as no man ever has and I was astounded, but feel much better now.
Unfortunately woman are of a different cloth, TPR said i was an enigma once, not like any other woman he has ever met, i would rather wear means jeans and a hoodie then get all dolled up, i never wear make up and the most i do with my hair is a little gel if it's not pulled back into a pony tail, i have always been very strong and even referred to as quite cold. Something is changing though and it's quite peculiar, i am getting emotions and feelings going all haywire, i have stuff coming up from so long ago which i suppressed with drugs for so many years that i thought i had rid myself of all those girly emotional faults.
Life lessons are painful at times but usually right on the damn money if your paying attention.
Much Love & Merry Christmas to All!!

???

2008-12-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

I want to drink, i need to get to an AA metting, my car has expired tags and i have 6 inches of snow in my driveway but most importantly the man i have been living with for the last 3 years is not who I thought he was.
My son has married into a family furniture business and TPR and i were at the store last week looking at some furniture, we have this huge place with nothing in it really, and the stuff we do have is not nice, doesn't match. So TPR and I picked out some really nice furniture that would go good in our place, last years and actually be comfortable enough to spend time in our living room with the spectacular view.........but i don't really care about the furniture, it's not what's going to make me happy, don't get me wrong i love to shop just like the next guy but I am not a materialistic person, i don't really care that much about having nice things.
I have been going through some shit lately, pain, pain pills, every remedy imaginable to try and feel better but nothing seems to be working.
My life sucks and the light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer and dimmer. YAY!

Relationships!

2008-12-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

For the last 3 nights i have been sleeping in the spare bedroom, i was reading a blog this morning wherein this amazing woman in Texas is pulling her life together all alone, yet she is missing the elusive mate, i read her trials and tribulations with men. Always thinking the next one is the "the one". is there ever really the right/perfect man. I think not, I truly think a relationship is two people who have learned to tolerate each other, there are good times and bad but can a man and a woman be honestly happy for a long period of time. I want to be one of those couples that has been together for 50 years. But we can 't even get to the damn alter
I have treated TPR in a matter that i have never been with any other man, it's not something i had to work at weirdly enough it just came naturally. Maybe it's not about him at all maybe i have changed, but TPR is changing that wonderful love i have for him, that sweetness with which i adore him.
I'm working my ass off as home doing something i just don't like anymore - OH and I found out yesterday I'm going to be a grandma!!
Maybe that will bring something to my life that I'm missing, doubtful, especially since i do not like kids but you never know :-)
peace!

father

2008-11-19T08:47:00.001-08:00

Last year when my dad made an appearance in my life for the first time in 10 years i was very, very guarded, i had held onto my resentment and little girl stuff for so long, after no contact for such a long time i was more comfortable with things the way they were.
But after much prodding from the family i agreed to see him. He is getting older and i may not have an opportunity to see him again.
His presence was enlightening, he said he wanted a relationship with his children and that he apologized for fucking our lives up.
He was here in the beehive state for a couple days and then he was gone, i called him a couple times, sent some emails and he responded saying how proud he is of me after everything i have been through.
Last week when i lost my job i sent an email and i was a little angry over the whole probation bullshit, but mostly i was just looking for some of that support and NOTHING -
he never even responded.
As i am writing this i started rambling about how dad sends a check every month to my youngest brother and then i realized this isn't what this post is about but maybe that's what i was looking for, for my dad to offer to help as he has never done anything like that for me.
But instead the most wonderful man i have ever met said to me take your time, figure out what you want to do and I'll take care of the bills. true to his word he has been working overtime and busting his ass to make sure we are ok.
This is a switch for me, i have supported every man i have ever been with, TPR is a great guy. I feel very fortunate.

Today!

2008-11-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

I spent a good portion of yesterday with my son, he had to go take his learner's permit test at the dmv and needed someone to drive him there. In Utah if you have never had a driver's license in another state you must take driver's education, no matter how old you are. In California once your 18 you can just go take the test and if you pass you get a driver's license. This driver's ed thing clearly explains why Utah has the worst driver's i have ever seen.

Anyway it was the most time i have spent with my kid since he got out, it was fun, he was cracking me up - we were sitting in the DMV laughing like 2 kids high for the first time on pot. He's a funny guy, truly funny.

Today is my 30th birthday again, another 30 day stretch with no alcohol.

I haven't even started looking for a job yet, TPR said he can take care of the bills until i figure out what i want to do. Not really sure anymore what i want to be when i grow up. I have been so focused on money the past year that i think i want to do something more rewarding, i would like to be able to use my experiences to help other people??

So ........ I have been working on the house, completing the construction zone mess we have been living in for almost a year. It's actually fun, TPR doesn't really like working on the house, I don't mind. I am spackling the ceiling where we cut in the can lights, I'm also completely redoing the upstairs bathroom.

I have become quite the housewife, never been that before. TPR likes it:-)

The Job

2008-11-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

I lost my great job yesterday, I haven't been fired from a job since my druggin days, it wasn't much different except back then i never saw it coming, i saw it yesterday.
it all started last week, actually it started back in July when the feds starting fucking with me over the truck i bought and didn't release me off paper. I have been in contact with the attorney generals office, the federal court judge and my PO trying to get this situation resolved so that i may continue on with my life in a prosperous manor.
unfortunately i didn't get it done in time and my PO told me i had 30 days to let my job know i was a felon, so last Thursday I went to the loan officer who i was processing for and told him i had gotten into some trouble 8 years ago that put me on probation and that i was almost off except for the financial details, i didn't go into much detail and he was like "oh no worries, i got into trouble too, do you need me to call your po and say I'm your boss?" I was quite impressed that he was so cool about it and thought all was well. I figured after 30 days he knew he couldn't live without me.
the next morning my PO called and said the owner was calling him wanting more info and to do a background check.
it went from bad to worse and yesterday they fired me, i didn't lie, no one ever asked and i never filled out an application.
the man i was processing from home for who has been begging me to process for him again was one of the first people i called and his reaction was "what are you going to do now".
So I am feeling like a career change is in order - i think i want to go work at walmart or home depot at least until i get the feds off my back, get my record expunged and am free & clear to live a normal life. I have paid my dues, every single day of it and it's still not enough.
The best part is I tried to apply for medicaid this morning as my sciatica nerve is now so bad i can hardly walk, sit or lay down and I of course don't qualify because I don't have any children or am not disabled. Welcome to America where they fuck you coming and going unless your from another country.

Appreciation

2008-11-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

Salt Lake City is a very small place, you can drive 5 miles in one direction and be in a completely different world then five miles in the other direction. A few years back during my drug/criminal heyday i used to live downtown and i loved it. the city is alive all hours of the night which works well for someone who is on tweaker time.
Now that i live up on the east bench in one of the nicest area's of salt lake away from the ghetto's and minority sections of town (Utah is still predominately white) coming downtown to work everyday makes me appreciate what i have and what i have been through.
I stopped in to Mc Donalds this morning to grab a mcmuffin and there was this kid, literally he couldn't have been more then 19 - 20 years old and he was standing there eating an apple like it was the first food he had ate in days. i watched him devour it down to the core. as i came around through the drive through the young man walked up to a car and asked someone for spare change, the man said no.
this kid tore at my heart strings and as i came out of the drive through i looped back around and called him to my car, i gave him $4 and told him to go eat. He looked into my eyes and told me how much he appreciates it. That could be my son, or any one of his friends whom i have considered to be like my own. He is just a kid, it brought tears to my eyes. I see many mentally ill roaming the streets downtown talking to themselves or the voices in their head, but it's hurts me to see young people in the street. I know some are just out there hustling and i respect that but on occasion I see one that touches me somewhere deep inside and I thank the universe for what I have and what i am able to give.

Monday Office Tid Bit

2008-11-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

So i figured out what it is about the women here that bug me, remember i said i sit in a pool of women surrounded by men? there are 6 or 7 cubicles connected together, nice textured walls with crown molding along the top, not that steel/felt shit you see for most office cubicles. anyway there are men in the surrounding offices, cubicles, they walk past all day and at least one is always within earshot of the pool of women i am in.
so....the women are always trying to be cute and funny and sexy with each other to impress the men. it's rather nauseating, i rec'vd a very nice compliment this morning from one of those men. He said everytime he walks by my cube i am always so focused on my work and that they need more processors here who are as focused on their job.
kudos to me - i'm sure this just pushed me farther up the hate list with said women :-)

Yummy!

2008-11-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

I am so burnt out on eating the same old stuff, my mom is vegan extreme, she gave me some vegetarian cook books and i made the most amazing taco's last night. i sauteed some zucchini, blanched 2 ears of corn, raw red pepper, green onions, cilantro, ortega chiles, a little cumin, mixed it with white rice, a little olive oil and served it over black beans w/some pepper jack cheese in taco shells, it was so good.

We had a fairly good weekend, it was the last weekend of decent weather for the year so we rode the bikes through the mountains, up into sundance and out the other side. We rode alittle over 100 miles - it liked to killed me :-)

the ride there wasn't bad we stopped every so often stretched the legs, walked around but the ride home was brutal. a straight shot with no stops when we got home i could barely climb off the beast. I'm getting too old - i popped a couple percocets and all was well.

My therapist gave me a laundry list of homework of sorts, relaxing technics i am supposed to incorporate into my daily routine, i have not done any of them. I did however make a conscious decision to try to not take TPR's angry outbursts personally.

It's not easy, it's actually very, very hard, but it's making for more pleasant times.

happy hallow eenie

2008-10-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloweenie!!
Everyone is all dressed up and it's quite cute - i was going to get a costume and TPR made me feel so dumb about the whole thing i chose not to. Our relationship is changing - i have started seeing a private therapist, an amazng woman. I know i have issue' s that effect how i feel about myself which in turn effects how i react to everything TPR says and does, it's my stuff and I own it, but i am trying to work it out as I want something healthy if that's even a real thing? healthy relationship.
after the last drunk i made a deal with TPR we would get couples counseling - then i realized we needed to work on our own stuff seperately and then see a couples therapist together - he agreed. i have seen a therapist already and have agreed to see her every week. TPR has decided the problems are all me and that he doesn't need to see an individual therapist but that we just need to see one together so he can reveal all his issues with me.
I told him that after 6 months of sobriety we ended up right back at square one and that for this to work he has to be doing his own work, i changed, i went to AA, quit drinking and he was still the same angry person he always was.
once again i am making the changes i need to to do my own work and TPR is doing nothing but being the same. i am worried that at some point one of two things will happen we will end up right back where we started or i will outgrow him while getting tired of waiting for him to do his own work.
most importantly i don't want to wake up in 20 years next to someone that i just share space with, i want more - life is so short and we take it for granted, we don't have forever, people will not always be there tomorrow or next month, love is not always enough, it takes more.

Job News

2008-10-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i started this great new job, i am making good money, the guy i process for is ultra cool compared to the high maintenance short man syndrom maniac i was working with from home. They offer health benefits, 401K and it's a hop, skip and jump from my house.
However the office politics are so fuckin deep i have to wear wadders up to my ass everyday just to get to my desk.
The manager chick who was training me clearly did not like me, i am not the office social butterfly, i do my job, work my ass off and make sure my shit is done right. she was up my ass about everylittle detail, all the small dumb shit that doesn't matter, 2 weeks into it, the manager chick doesn't show up for a week, she is clearly a tweaker who is dating a gang banger my son's age and she was definitely rocking a low 40 maybe high 30 age.
Anyway, she is gone now, no one know's what happened to her. I'm thinking my life is smooth sailing. Wrong!
I work in a pool of women, we are surrounded by men, all kinds of men. I was recently thinking that i think i should of been a man, now i am almost sure i should have been a man. I am not like these women. i won't go into details but let's just say i have no friends here.
did i mention when i found out the manager was not coming back i asked for her parking space, my office is in a very seedy part of downtown salt lake city. right next to the homeless shelter, lovely assortment of people outside.
queen be came around today to inform that not only am i not getting the parking space but it was brought to her attention that my files are always wrong. i thought this very interesting and went to the source of the supposed complaint, just as I imagined, it was BS.
Life is very complicated right now in all areas.

Hindsight

2008-10-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

I made a conscious choice to get drunk on Saturday and it's like right before you commit a crime - if you get away with it which is all you think about it's so worth it, however if you get caught the consequences no matter how minimal are never worth the crime it's self. I feel like i have come full circle.
i remember when i was released from the state prison - i spent 9 months there romancing my drug days, all the good times, the camaraderie, all that bs. When i was released i had to get high just one more time, so i did. It was absolutely nothing like the wonderful times i was
remembering while locked up but i knew then, that i was done, absolutely done, however it took that one last time to know for sure. I have been clean for over 5 years.
I would like to think that my Saturday escapade was that one last time just to make sure that I didn't forget how totally miserable it makes me and how my actions while drunk hurt the man i love the most.
i think deep down inside me there is a hate for men, especially the men that love me, it stays dormant and buried under years of self medicating and there's something about TPR that brings it out when i drink - maybe it has nothing to do with him at all, i just take it out on him.
i am not trying to justify my actions in any way, shape or form, i was horrible and could have very easily ruined everything we have worked so hard for.
this old adage keeps whirling around in my head, continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting different answers, it doesn't work - it never has and it's not ever going to.
if i could only believe in god now would be the time i would ask to be blessed with a self forgiveness, allow me to forgive myself for the guilt i feel again, i honestly hoped i would never have to feel this guilt again, this embarrassment of acting like a loudmouth, obnoxious piece of shit.

Hello???

2008-10-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, i have been so busy i have not had time to eat, let alone write for the last month - all i do is work, constantly.
where to start? i started drinking again but have learned the grace of socially drinking and not getting drunk :-) it's actually pretty cool - i am starting off very slowly.
we are buying a harley and have become official biker's, almost! our good friend just bought a bike and has another one he is holding onto for a nice guy who owes him money - we have gone riding together and have harley syndrome.
i started a new job at a mortgage company and am happily busier then i ever expected, making terrific money - ironically i just fell into the job while trying to contract process from home.
My son has been out since August and he couldn't be better. I missed him deeply and am enjoying spending time with him as often as i can.
TPR is having a mid life crisis and is in the middle of a career change that I support and am quite excited for him.
I am taking percocet by the handful for my sciatica nerve as i have no time for physical therapy.
not literally!
life seems to be on a fast track right now and we are holding on for dear life.
oh yeah i almost forgot - we set a date! the Virgin Island thing obviously didn't work out with the job thingy going on but i have found the perfect wedding place. we are doing a weekend wedding in June we have reserved a huge cabin in the mountains for the weekend we will get married at the actual resort and stay in the cabin with friends and family for the weekend , it's amazing, 2 levels, 2 kitchens, 2 living rooms, pool table, sauna, outdoor hot tub, ping pong table - it's going to be great and I want a green dress to match my eyes!!
peace out!

Summer is Over

2008-09-02T11:25:00.001-07:00

When September 1st rolls around to the Beehive state summer is immediately over - the temperature drops 20 degrees, the a/c gets turned off and it's time to bring out the sweats, hoodies and fluffy socks.

With this season change I am feeling a huge midlife crises coming on. I feel like things are falling apart.

i think i have a whole laundry list of stuff:

1. i found out this morning my aunt is dying of breast cancer and that my grandma died of breast cancer. i have not ever been checked but fall into that age group wherein a woman is very susceptible to bc.

2. my son who was just released from prison is moving in with his fiances' family and not with TPR and I, this is bringing on some emotional baggage that i could do without right now.

3. my little brother and his family are moving to Florida to be with my dad -

4. work? money? those two little words are causing a neurotic psychosis in my brain right now. i have an interview on Thursday with another mortgage company who has some pretty nice benefits - but i really don't know if that's what i want -the Loan Officer i have been working with for the last 3 - 4 months went on vacation in mid august for 2 weeks, before his vacation he was pumping out a loan a day, they weren't all closing but he was originating the hell out of them. this is his 2nd week back and he has only written one loan.

I think I'm just being a little paranoid and insecure right now - whatever it is I don't like it!

one bit of good news:

TPR and I finally have can lights in the living room that work! YAY - when TPR originally wired them in they worked, but after we put all the sheet rock up they didn't work anymore - we pulled it all down yesterday figured out the problem and put it all back up - the lights are amazing!!!

Feds

2008-08-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

I had to go to court this morning - back in July I posted I was getting off probation finally after 4 years WELL that didn't happen. The feds were clearly not the slightest bit happy about the fact that i financed that nice new truck for The Puerto Rican, as a matter of fact they were so unhappy that with one day left on paper they violated my ass.
It's like stepping back in time, back in front of the judge like a common criminal. I was advised today not to even think about opening another line of credit, talk to no one about my case and come back in 2 weeks to go before the big federal Judge upstairs in the scary place. I was at least allowed to remain out of custody for my indiscretion. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? It was ridiculous truly it was, but TPR is convinced that now is the perfect time to test my karma theory. He is sure that since I am such a good person and have been now for a fairly decent amount of time that my accumulated brownie points are pretty stacked in my favor!
let's hope

Universal Law

2008-08-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

As i have preached before I so believe eveything happens for a reason. When I made the decision to come back to Utah over 3 years ago, everything that i thought would prevent me from being able to come back fell away. The universe opened all the doors I just knew would slam shut and prevent that move from happening.

It has happened again, once i made the decision to leave my job and come home to work on my own, the universe opened up a new set of doors for me. With a little of my own effort I landed 2 new loan officers to process for today!!! YES!!!! I could not be more excited or happy!! I DID IT!!

Freedom

2008-08-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

I quit my job on Friday!! YES!!!

Let me back up a bit as i tend to get excited and tell the good part first without telling the story that leads up to the good part.

i have been working in the mortgage industry for the last 18 months, once again i found a kindred soul "K" willing to give me a second chance. He took me in, taught me how the industry works and how to make the loans happen. I absorbed every bit of information i could get and was being paid to learn.
About 5 months ago things started to change at the office, loans quit comming in, we had to move into the wife's office to consolidate debt. K seemed to have lost all his motivation to survive this mortgage industry massacre. K brought in another loan officer B, B was aggresive, he had drive and he was motivated to make money, the good old fashioned way - working for it not sitting at his desk waiting for the business to walk in the door, B hustled.
B was only in the office a week when he realized that K and his wife were broke. B could feel the tension in the air, the desperation, and he ran. He took all his tools of the trade and was outta there, but not before he found out i too am a hustler and i can actually do 10 things at a time. He was making money and i wanted a part of it - so i continued to process B's loans out of K's wifes office.
as you can imagine this didn't go over to well as K hadn't closed a loan in 3 months and i don't know how long it had been since K's wife closed a loan, i know her processor was long gone.
I was working hard on B's loans and we were making money - K's wife was furious as she had forbad me to process B's loans, she wanted a piece of his pie, however since he bounced out of the office after just a week her slice was gone.
that left me, since i was making money she wanted a piece of my pie, i don't make a ton of money on the loans, actually i honestly am underpaid as i work my ass off to get the loans closed and i always go way above the call of duty - but hey that's just me. anyway K's wife wanted a kickback from my money - i agreed and paid her a 1/3 of what i was getting.
then K couldn't pay me, he was broke. so i quit paying K's wife. That ship was sinking fast and i had to grab a life preserver or drown with them all. so i set up shop at home and swam to the shore. I see them out there, boat slowly sinking and i hope that a passing ship can throw them a line and pull them to safety before it's too late.

correction to paradise blog!

2008-08-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

swallow, snort or smoke that's what TPR said about the diet remedy we want :-)

I am so glad it's Friday people this week has been extraordinarly long!!

TPR and I are tinting the windows in the house this weekend - we live up at the base of the mountains overlooking the valley and our windows face east & west. The sun is constantly blazing through our windows and it is damn hot - we have to put the ac into overdrive just to be comfortable on the top floor while the bedrooms down below are freezing - my mom next door had all new windows installed that were already tinted her place doesn't have hardly any sun and of course she barely runs the ac. have a great weekend all!!

Paradise

2008-08-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

TPR and I found ourselves in paradise this weekend, it was right in front of us all along we just had to uncover it. Our Bedroom!!
After we removed the horrid gray carpet & installed the hardwood flooring, painted the red & brown walls a nice shade of paint called butterfly wing (or something) with the crown molding a shiny white and put together our new ikea bedroom set that has been in boxes for 5 months, added a new amazing beach scenery picture from ikea too and a fake bamboo tree - wah la!!! paradise - we can't even believe it's the same room - finally!!
the rest of the house is a frickin construction zone disaster but our room is amazing and eveyday when i come home I am elated at how tropical and cool it is!!
If i can get motivated enough I'll snap a pic or two and upload it.
TPR and I are in our early 40's and have been very happy since I quit drinking and the drama stopped, rolling up on 6 months now, and we are getting fat, the metabolism quit working a few years ago and the waists are getting thicker and thicker. Last weekend as we lay in bed eating our 4th meal, a bowl of cereal, TPR said he wants to go on a diet and lose weight, we decided we are too lazy to exercise and we want a weight loss remedy/pill that we can either take, snort or smoke and that requires no other effort.
anybody know of anything like that :-)

Time

2008-08-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Damn it's been almost a month since i posted anything - i have been so busy trying to stay afloat in the mortgage industry and working on the place, got the hardwood floor put in the master bedroom, what a frickin chore. TPR and I work well together for the most part but it doesn't take much like a wrong measurement and/or cut on a piece of wood to start the blame game :-)

(picture is my son & daughter-in-law on the way home)

My son was released from federal prison Tuesday and I saw him yesterday for the 1st time in 2 years - it was amazing. Because my son & I grew up together we have this incredible bond. It seemed like it was just a few weeks ago that I dropped him off at the federal prison as he hugged me tight with fear and apprehension about what he was going to have to endure.

I hugged him tight yesterday as i said to him you made it, you were strong you made it through it and it's done.

My son's fiance drove out to California to pick my son up, on the way she stopped to see my sister-in-law C. C had recently received some pictures from some of the original clan members, her ex my late husbands brother, the other brother and my late husbands father. It seemed a life time ago that we were all running a muck, young, vibrant & carefree.

I was absolutely shocked to see the pictures of my brother-in-laws, they are old. I mean they look 105 - i was so stunned i had to call out to California just to make sure I was correct in their age. I asked C "they aren't that much older then us are they?" and she agreed that they were not and all we could do was laugh and know that we got the best of them in that lifetime long ago and be thankful that the ugly stick has been rather kind to us.

It's amazing how quickly time passes and one day you wake up and your not a youngster anymore.

Happy Birthday to me

2008-07-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the big 42!! Yipee. Went to lunch with mom's and TPR, brother chewy and favorite nephew chewy jr.

I was truly hoping the day would just pass like any other. BUT NO!!!

here we are the happy couple at the birthday get together :-)

We look so happy you would never know that the depression is starting to fill my whole body, that the stress over money is coming between us and causing us to take our fear and frustration out on each other. It will all be ok I keep telling TPR, but will it? Where do I draw the line and walk away from my current situation? Yes I have loans to close, but with the industry changes even the easy ones are hard. I am hanging on by a very thin thread, barely treading water - good news? i am still sober - almost 4 months since my last drink!

Paper/Work/Life

2008-07-14T13:09:00.001-07:00

I have been on paper (parole and/or probation) since 2001. I remember before i went to prison my probation officer was drug testing me twice a week and i was still getting high, spending a fortune on the drinks that guarantee a clean drug test if your dirty. I was working the system, still getting high and still running amok.
Now I'm getting ready to get off paper and it's no big deal. I'll be off paper on the 31st of July after 4 years.
My life has changed so much it's amazing - i finally grew up i guess. I have no big bash planned, no drug binge scheduled the minute they hand me my walking papers, it's just another day.
it's interesting how life gives you exactly what you need right when you need it, everything always happens for a reason.

TPR and I recently were faced with a financial dilemma - i work in the mortgage industry and unless you live on mars everybody knows what a friggin nightmare that is right now, last friday was payday and my boss had no money for me, he told me he's broke.
I knew something was up and I was anticipating getting laid off but getting a pay check with the boot.
TPR and i had socked a little money away in a coffee can just in case, when i try and save it in the bank it always seems to get spent.
anyway, over the weekend TPR and I were quite stressed over the whole situation, no paycheck, not sure about the future.
For a half a second I romanced the thought of taking our tiny nest egg and investing it in the dope game which will double or even triple our money.
But that's not me anymore, I no longer have any of the right connections and honestly it's a lot of work to sling dope, the hours suck, the tweekers don't come out until night time and I'm just to lazy to put all that energy into it.
Yes, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I'll be 42 on Saturday and I feel as if I have lived 2 lifetimes already, my son comes home in less then 30 days and life could not be better.
Everything does happen for a reason!! Staying strong always!!

In Laws

2008-07-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

The reason my family is in the Beehive state is because of my late husbands family. Many, many years ago my brother Chewy came to Utah from Cali with my late husbands niece and her husband, who was into his coke dealer for $9000 and had to get his family out of Cali.
Eventually I followed and then my other brother crajay, that was 18 years ago. Last but not least when mom's had no one else, she ended up here 3 years ago.
My in-laws are not nice people, they are the ones you hear about on the news or read about in the paper.
I have one brother-in-law doing 25 to life for murder/robbery. He tried to snatch a ladies purse, she struggled and ended up under his car, he took off dragging her body.
Another brother-in-law did 6 on 12 for involuntary manslaughter, he stabbed a man to death because he was having a bad day and couldn't score any tweeds.
They are all crazy and violent in their own way, and these people are my family. I have been with them since I was 15 years old, my brother's since they were even younger.
Over the years we have drifted apart but the memories and the love is always there.
Last weekend the Utah clan had a little family reunion of sorts and it was amazing to sit back and look at us all now. I knew these people before they had kids, the same kids who have had their own children that the grandparents are raising because the kids are too fucked up to manage their own lives.
We gathered around at a local park, talking shit, catching up and just being together, it was time, we needed to come together again. The best part is I had an amazing time with out a drop of alcohol.
Most everyone was drinking but TPR and I did not and it didn't even bother me, I was grateful not to have to wake up hungover or feeling guilty for some crazy shit that came out of my mouth.
Life is good, we made it through the trenches in nam, we all have war wounds but we survived.

M Day Again

2008-06-23T13:06:00.001-07:00

It's Monday again and I am noticing I seem to have a thing about posting on Monday's. In keeping with that wanna hear it? here it go!
TPR and I are living in a construction zone right now. We have our place all torn to hell, but it's finally getting done.

Work has become a hazard zone, I truly hate working with women, they are so petty. I would much rather work for a man which I do, however we recently had to move into his wife's office due to financial trouble and now that bitch is running shit, it's bullshit with a capital BS.

I have some family stuff going on that's kind of lengthy to talk about, it's not my drama directly but it's hurting my brother Chewy and that hurts me.

Oh and in case your wondering TPR's ex failed that test miserably, dumb ass!
i mean she was married to him for 14 years you'd think she knows him well enough to know that if she has the kids call him he'll turn to mush. Some people? honestly how do they make it through life being so incredibly stupid.

I haven't had a drink in almost 90 days - Amazing! I am so friggin happy at home it scares me, to look back at all the chaos we went though not that long ago I'm stunned at how dumb we were.
I love to expand my horizons when it comes to food, i am so tired of eating the same shit all the time i'm always up for a new experience so we went to an ethopian restaurant recently and they didn't have any silverware. WTF??
I know that's how they eat it in ethopia but lord man were in america now.

I truly woke up on the wrong side of the keyboard today!

I feel like I'm rambling on about a whole lot of nothing!
Happy Monday!

Blast From The Past

2008-06-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

On saturday TPR was on the rag, we had some home stuff we were supposed to do together but he was pissy so I painted the master bedroom all by myself and I must admit it looks pretty damn good.
After I was done painting i went to home depot to order the bamboo blinds, as I'm standing there this kid who works there comes towards me saying hi. I say hi and then start telling him about the blinds i want, all the while thinking this kid looks so familiar. I thought he must look like an actor or someone and then i look at his name tag and it's my step son. Well my ex-step son now.
He is Rooster's son Dillon. I have that name "Rooster" tattooed on the back of my neck. So we talk for a bit and catch up. Dillon asks about my kid, and I ask about his little brother the troll whom I couldn't stand but I was trying to be polite and of course in keeping with the socially correct thing to do I asked how his dad is doing. He told me his dad has cancer.
I was stunned, even though his dad is a punk, he took/sold everything i owned while i was locked up, he got some woman knocked up when i was inside and he always preached about being a stand up white boy which is exactly what he wasn't. I was still sad to hear about him having cancer.
However,
I know this sounds so viscious but damn if what comes around doesn't go around.

Coming Up!

2008-06-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

Here's a little story that strikes a nerve.
Right before chrsitmas last year TPR gets a phone call from his mom in New york. TPR's exwife Rose, is in Florida in a homeless shelter with her 5 kids, 3 of which belong to TPR.
I of course do everything I can to try and get a message to Rose in the shelter that we will take TPR's 3 kids until she gets back on her feet. We will pay for the plane fare to get them out here to Utah, whatever.
TPR's mom finally gets a message to Rose's sister letting her know we will take the kids and the answer that comes back is basically TPR is a piece of shit and Rose & the kids are fine.
FINE!
I have been with TPR alittle over 2 years and in all that time he has spoken to his kids twice and each time it was only because his sister happened to be where the kids were and she called TPR and then put them on the phone.
so.....
yesterday I am sitting in the doctor's office as my sciatica nerve is causing the most unbelievable pain down the back of my leg. It only hurts when I lay, stand, sit or move.
Anyway as I'm sitting there waiting for the doctor my cell phone rings and it's Rose, TPR's ex-wife.
Appearantly word has trickled down to Florida about how well TPR and I are doing and guess what she wants? Money!
Personally I think the whole child supprt thing is a life sentence for men, i think it's bs. My brother is being garnished for a child that isn't even his and he's proven that it's not his.
I raised my son alone, with out any child support or help from anyone - just me - and i was a kid.

TPR and I have worked very hard for what we have and in the last year we have done pretty well.
So I told Rose I would talk to TPR and get back to her. TPR said she knows better then to call him because she is a pot smoking, do nothing, no job, lazy woman, that's nicer then what he said.
TPR also said if he has no contact with the kids, no phone calls, nothing, then he's not sending her shit.
So the test will be sunday, it's father's day and if the ex has enough brains she wil have the kids call their father if she wants money.
We'll see

Movie Review

2008-06-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend TPR and I saw "The Great Debater" with Denzel. Very good movie, Denzel gives a great performance as usual. I read an article once about Denzel having a play or pay clause if he is cast for a part he gets $26million whether the film finishes or not.

Pretty Sweet Deal!

Happy Days

2008-06-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy i have not had time to blog lately. Things in my life could not be more amazing right now. it's taken some ruffage to get here but I made it. these are the highlights:

1. TPR and I are planning a trip to the Virgin Islands for October - we will be getting married while we are there!!

2. My son gets out in 65 days!! YES!!

3. Work? hmmm? do you wonder sometimes how someone can let certain big mouth, loser, all talk, little man syndrome (matt) types of people run all over him and yet when a certain other type, aggresive, hustling, show me the money man (bill) comes along it is an istant clash!! just sayin!
(I added the names for you Kevin just in case you couldn't finger it out :-)

4. it's been over 60 days since i had a drink and i could not be happier

5. the new place is coming along very slowly but it's going to be gorgeous when it's finished.

6. this one is not a highlight but the end result was worth the harshness:
since TPR and i moved in to the duplex next door to my mom it's like we live in the servants quarters. she calls constantly needing this done or that done, she is the most helpless woman i have ever seen. on top of that she has this fantasy mother/daughter relationship that she wants with me.
Last week I couldn't take it anymore so i wrote this little letter, explaining that she has expectations of me because i am a girl that aren't fair, she never hear's from my brothers but that's ok because they're boys, i let her know we will never have that mother/daughter relationship that she expects and we are not the servants. i left the note on her kitchen counter, TPR thought the note was a little harsh. After she called crying to my brother about what a horrible person i am all is well. now we can be civil to each other without her having unrealistic expectations.
that's all i have for now.
peace out

Hard Times?

2008-05-28T12:10:00.001-07:00

This morning I had to take my mom to work after she dropped her car off at the shop. My mom takes care of this ultra rich elderly lady who lives in a very hoity toity area on the upper east side.

We passed a cemetary on the way and they had this sign posted in the luscious green grass.

You know times are hard when the cemetary is offering a buy one get one free.

It was defintely a funny!!

New Truck!

2008-05-27T09:31:00.002-07:00

Can you say spoiled rotten? Last year I used a small settlement I received to buy TPR a truck. He chose a 1990 something Ford F150 V8, i tried to tell him to get a smaller truck but nooo, he had to have the big monster truck.

The ford gets about 2 miles to the gallon. You can actually see the gas gauge go down when you push on the pedal. I know cus I had to drive it last week as my car was down waiting for repairs.

We had plans Saturday to do some stuff around the house but TPR had to finish my car and we needed some stuff from the dealership.

TPR and I talked about getting him a new truck in a month or so BUT we decided to just peek at the new trucks while at the dealership - and this is what we brought home. Yes TPR is so spoiled. In the 2 years we have been together he has acquired a boat, bullet bike and 2 trucks, while I am still driving my same car. Men and they're toys!!

Serious Car Issues

2008-05-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

My a/c went out at exactly the right time last summer, immediately after the heat ended. I figured I had until the this summer to fix it and as it happens winter this year lasted about 8 months but summer has finally come and now the a/c must be fixed. I am a sissy la la when it comes to driving in the heat, I MUST have air conditioning.
I have a 2000 Nissan Sentra that my mom and her ex-husband bought for me when I got out of prison. That car has been the lemon of the century, i continuously dump money into it and have paid for the car at least twice over.
After all my horror stories I am adamant that the only person I will take my car to is the dealer, but of course TPR is a man and men think they no more about cars then women. So he convinces me to let him take it to Tunex as they will check the a/c for free. Nothing is free!
Tunex refills the freon($110) and says to run the a/c for a week and then bring it back to be checked. The cold air however only lasted 2 days. The following week TPR takes it back to Tunex and of course it needs so and so part($240). I pick the car up Saturday and it is NOT blowing cold air.
I run my errands, pick up TPR and head back to Tunex, TPR is pissed. After TPR tries to manhandle the owner of this particular Tunex, we get the car back and it is blowing cold air.
Shortly after the car's battery light & brake light come on. By that evening the car was hardly running. The idiot lights were going crazy and the car was in serious trouble.
Absolutely convinced the Tunex man has sabotaged my car intentionally, i have it towed to where? the dealership!
Diagnostic ($120) and the verdict is: the alternator is kaput & idler pulley needs replaced, cost $775.

Pay it Forward

2008-05-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

On Friday when I got home from work in my mailbox was what looked like a piece of junk mail, normally i wouldn't even open such junk mail looking items but something propelled me to open this one.
Inside was 5 crisp one dollar bills, Nielson ratings wanted me to do a tv diary for a week. I promptly tossed the diary in the trash and pocketed the $5.00.
TPR and I went downtown that evening to see a movie and there on the street was one of those men with a sign asking for money. I rolled down the window and handed him my crisp one dollar bills I had just received, all 5 of them.
I paid it forward!
they recently did a news story here in the beehive state about the people who pan handle, hold signs begging for money and how they are not always homeless, or poverty stricken as they make it appear.
You know what i say? Who Cares! That's they're hustle and at least they are out there making money. Honestly what comes around goes around, you have to give to get! So I am just counting my kudos. :-)

HAPPY Mother's day you Mutha

2008-05-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

It's Monday AGAIN!! DAMN IT!!

I have been so slacking in my blogging lately - things are amazing I'm working my way up the downside of 60 days without drinking, TPR and I have set a date/time frame to get married and I am fighting with my daughter-in-law to be - Happy #^$%^& Mother's Day!

I actually enjoyed spending time with my mom yesterday, we all went to lunch, we'll the ones who weren't hung over - which would would be TPR, ME & my brother chewy, his girl H, and the Baby!! My favorite nephew - here he is!! Love his hair do!!

I have the worst camera phone ever - we went to a new Vegan food restaurant here in town and the food was amazing -

Then TPR and I relaxed the rest of the day - since it was a holiday TPR boned out on finishing the can lights -

My son called me from prison and had all of 30 seconds to talk to me - that was rather hurtful and now I am fighting with his fiance - who is a wonderful girl but has changed dramatically since my son left almost 2 years ago - he should be coming home in a few months should be intereing to see what happens.

Anyway- TPR and I are getting married next year in Hawaii -

Monday@#^&%#^*$%

2008-05-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

I hate Mondays!

Good news - TPR got the can lights installed in the living room finally. He's going to do the dining room next weekend and then we can have the sheetrockers come close the big holes in the ceiling.

TPR says I should have taken before and after pictures, I hve been looking at the before for so long I just want after pictures.

I've decided to start taking Yoga classes and my man is going to attend the free Intro to Yoga class with me - eat your heart out ladies :-)

They actually have a yoga class for men that TPR is thinking about taking, maybe not, he's probably just appeasing me, either way I'm happy it'll be like a mother's day present -

speaking of mother's day -

May is a dreaded month for me not only is it mother's day but my mom's birthday is in May too, so I have to spend time with her and if you have read previous posts spending time with my mom makes me have anxiety attacks, i do it as little as possible.

anyway:

On another note i recently blogged about the violence in California - TPR and I watched this documentary recently on NAT GEO(national geographic) about a street gang in Los Angeles called MS13. We were horrified, it's really sad but it does explain the violence - these gang members are killing random people as part of their gang initiation, to prove themselves and if you happen to look like a rival gang member who's in their neighborhood . The gang taxes every vendor who operates in their area, taxes the people who park their cars on the streets in their area. They charge drug dealers to come sell drugs in their turf, making huge profits, the show called them the new organized crime - mafia.

These gang memeber are recruiting kids daily as young elementary school. It's so tragic and senseless.

It's a scary thing what the world is coming to!!

30 Days!!!

2008-04-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I celebrated 30 days of sobriety! YAY!!

Ironically I also won a box of Banbury Cross donuts from a jazz station I listen to. Shortly after I arrived at work this kind gentleman walks through the door with what looked like a cake box asking for me.

I was quite surprised and immediately wondered how this man knew it was my birthday!! It made my morning!

Then I went to the noon meeting and collected my chip!! In the past when I have floated in and out of the meetings I always shared with the group, I have lots to say about my story, my experiences and all the things that have happened to me.

However this time around I decided to try a different route; shut up and listen. It's really not about me, it's about my recovery and staying sober. So far it's working!!

Yesterday was a good day!!

2008-04-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

I finally brought my camera to the office and uploaded this amazing sunset picture taken from our living room. It's even better after dark when all the lights are shining. It's so beautiful and peaceful where we are. I wonder if we will ever get the lights in, flooring installed and painting done. I think that project my take a lifetime.

Hurting

2008-04-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

What is it exactly that makes people act a certain way? is it fear? is it past experiences? can you ever let go of what you know? Or what you think you know that has never worked before, yet you continue to repeat those patterns.
All my life i have been who I am and yet the very things that someone loves about me i think they can also hate.
Can you learn a new way to react? is it possible to train your emotions/feelings to not get hurt.
I think if you could you would essentially become a non feeling person. A phony person or robot of sorts, always saying and doing exactly the right thing. Never feeling anything.
Without getting personal let me just say that every action causes a reaction and sometimes our reaction is so ingrained in us from previous experiences that it comes out of us before we even realize what we are saying. Never intending to hurt the other person but of course we do.
That hurt we inflict resonates back 10 fold it seems, it makes me question who i am, what I'm doing, what can I do to appease the situation and most importantly it makes me crazy.
There's nothing more hurtful then the silent treatment, how can you go from the loving person you are to someone so remotely uncaring and cold.

Cali, Society, What's going on?

2008-04-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

I am continously amazed at what is happening to society. I read a lot of news feeds from california since I have lived pretty much all over that state. My last stretch of time there was from beginning of 2004 to mid 2005, I was residing in a little migrant farm worker town called Salinas about 15 miles inland from the ocean. It is majority mexican as they are the hard working people who stand all day in the fields picking various fruits & vegetables for pennies an hour. Salinas is also very close to one of California's 32 state prisons. In that prison among the thousands of street gangs is one called "Nuestra Familia" (spanish for "our family") and they run the streets of Salinas.
When I was living there I heard about a gang shooting on occasion but nothing like I read about in todays news.
It seems eveyone in California these days is strapped and not afraid to use it. I am reading news feeds about people gunning down other people like it's nothing. Cops are shooting people, people are shooting cops.
Unfortunately if you are mexican or black and on the streets in California other gang memebers automatically assume you are a gang member and don't even give you a chance to clarify your not before they open fire on you.
This story is just one of many sad tales of the violence that has plagued the streets of California Homicide Report
Here in the Beehive state we see violence every once in a while but it seems even after the trolley square shooting we are a world away from the daily violence just a 15 hour drive up the road.

Happy Hump Day!

2008-04-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

This week is flying by, things at the homefront are better then ever. I am still sober which is a very satisfying feeling. TPR and I even made an appearance at a family function, very small get together on Sunday and we didn't drink, it was rather fun.

We are truely happier then we have ever been, it's wierd sometimes the things you have to go through to get to where you need to be.

TPR started the remodel work last weekend, we sold all our old furniture and have become Ikea junkies, that place is amazing.

The weather here has been insane on Monday it was 81 degrees and yesterday it snowed like it was the middle of winter and it is damn cold outside today. What the *&%$# is going on?

Moment of clarity

2008-04-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

This morning as been breathtaking, my life is truly changing. I always thought the 12 step programs were bs, either you had the willpower and desire to quit using/drinking or you didn't. I quit Meth after 16 years with no program, so whats the big deal?
I have been listening to the stories at the meetings and actually finished reading my first in the long list of suggested readings.
I didn't really notice any change until last night actually, but as usual I am getting ahead of myself.
One of the absoulte things they preach is the "higher power" thing, you MUST pray, people talk about phsically getting down on their knees every morning and praying to god for various reasons but mostly to not drink/use for that day.
With everything that I am I have balked at this notion, not because I feel if there was a god all this bad shit wouldn't be happening, but because I just don't believe there is a god, period.
So anyway.......back to my moment of clarity,
Yesterday TPR's brakes went out so I had to pick him up after work to go get the truck from the shop and he was being a super macho dick, he was pissy and just not pleasant to be around. Normally I would have immediately expressed my concern for what could be wrong, are you ok, is there something wrong, can I kiss your ass to make things better, that kind of stuff.
I resisted, I did not even ask what was wrong because I realized after repeating the serenity prayer at least 5 times to myself that whatever his issue is, it's NOT about me. It's his problem and OH MY GOD - what happened next was amazing - I was free after 41 years I realized my happiness does not depend on a man, not The Puerto Rican or any other man.
And suprisingly his attitude changed and we had a very pleasant night. So maybe there is something to asking for help from a spirituality outside ourselves, doesn't have to be a god persay? :-)
I am still riding that high this morning and all is good.

Hump Day AGAIN?

2008-04-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

Instead of sitting in the office on Wednesday's I would much rather be on the back of a machine like this with my arms wrapped around The Puerto Rican, our hair flying in the wind (well my hair, he's bald), the power between our legs, there is nothing like that feeling.

TPR has a bullet bike now that absolutely scares the shit out of me but he is going to build a big boys chopper that we can ride together.

It's Wednesday people and the weather sucks, somebody forgot to tell the Beehive state it's supposed to be spring time, there were snow flakes drifting from the sky on my way to work.

TGIF

2008-04-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

Thank god it's Friday!! Holy shit this has been a long week. My sobriety is flourishing, I am completely committed to it this time. Although I am not quite 7 days sober I am going to meetings every single day and following the suggestions of other recovering people.

The Puerto Rican and I are ironing out the details and I think he is finally going to give up the Townhouse and join me in paradise. YAY!!

If I can ever remember to bring the digital camera to the office I will post pics of the most beautiful sunsets taken from my living room balcony.

The Job?

Not really sure anymore where that's going, I have been reading some pretty gruesome stories online of whole towns wrecked by the subprime mortgage mess. I don't think the Beehive state will feel the effects quite that drastically but definitely the construction business is undergoing a major slowdown and I know TPR is feeling it.

Hope everyone of my 3 readers has a great weekend!!!

Happy Valley

2008-04-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

I saw a movie friday evening that was astounding, it's the story of drug abuse here in Utah. It was amazing, powerful and courageous.

I could hear people crying in the theater, this movie touches not only the addicts or ex-addicts, it touches all of the people they affect.

I was so incredibly moved by this story, Ron Williams has put together a remarkable documentary that gives voice to something that is so huge not just in utah but everywhere.

This movie hits especially hard for those of us who are here in Utah and who have been addicts in the very places he films.

http://www.happyvalleythemovie.com/index.html

Alone

2008-04-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been with a group of people and felt alone? I was with family and friends Saturday night at a local pub full of people and I have never felt so alone in my life.
I have been going back and forth with my sobriety so long I'm not sure what end of the spectrum I am on anymore.
I took a hand full of sleeping pills Sunday and slept all day, feeling so disappointed with myself and once again causing The Puerto Rican to banish me from his life.

In the past when I have drank/partied with friends and family I have fun, I get loud and obnoxious, and generally have a good time. Saturday was miserable, I debated going to a meeting Saturday afternoon and had a drink instead, I didn't get trashed as I usually do, since I normally can't stop drinking until I am trashed, something changed in me, I finally flipped the switch.
As I have said in previous posts when I was first released from prison 4 years ago I attended NA meetings in California faithfully everyday, I didn't however work the steps or ask for a Sponsor. Yesterday I spent the whole day in AA meetings, I went to 4, I ate breakfast and dinner at the Alano club alone.

I stayed after and spoke to other women which is a miracle, I usually beeline for the door after a meeting praying that no one tries to talk to me.
I made friends and committed to attending other meetings with the women I met and at the very last meeting of the day, this woman showed up, stood up with 18 years of sobriety and as soon as she opened her mouth I knew she was the one, I wanted this woman to sponsor me.

I'm having a difficult time with the higher power thing as I am of the atheist belief but I think the friendships I am developing, the community of sober people will be just what the doctor ordered. I heard some amazing things yesterday and talked to some great people and I know that I too can have a chance at true happiness.

I don't have to numb the pain anymore, it's ok to feel.

OMG!! Can You Say Remodel?

2008-03-25T08:17:00.001-07:00

Last Saturday the Puerto Rican and I got up early to tackle the can lights I am putting in my living room.
After an hour at home depot picking the right lights, light bulbs and trim, $323.oo dollars later, we headed off to the new place.
I call it the new place because it is not solely mine but its not ours yet either. As much as I want us to be back to normal after the things we have been through I realize it will take time, so I am trying to be as patient as possible and honestly we are happier now then we have been in quite some time.
Getting back to the can lights, the living room is 21' x 15' and we are putting 8 can lights in. Measuring and trying to evenly space the lights out was a project in it's self, we had fun working together, driving each other crazy and laughing. Finally figuring the measurements out and marking all the spots, it was time to get er done.
TPR attached the new hole saw to his drill and put it to the ceiling, sheet rock dust flying, I ran out to his truck to get something else he needed and I hear the dreaded "UH OH!"
Once the 6" hole was put into the ceiling and TPR was able to see up into the space it appears my roof is directly on top of the beams, not studs in the ceiling.
It is at this point TPR tells me the only way we can put in the can lights is to remove the whole ceiling in the living room, drill the holes & install the lights and re-sheet rock the ceiling.
I was seriously disappointed, however, I know that in the end it will be worth all the work, plus I get to spend more time with The Puerto Rican,the man I love.

Regrets

2008-03-24T08:06:00.000-07:00

When I moved out of the townhouse The Puerto Rican and I shared, I left with just my clothes and toiletries. I left every single thing I have there, including all my pictures and personal mementos.
Yesterday I was at TPR's and I took some time to start sorting through my pictures and boxes of stuff. I have old letters from previous loves, newspaper articles of tragic events, and just a lot of memorable things.
I also came across a whole file of things that my son made while he was in school, some of it is dated and some isn't.
When my son was in school I was high, for the whole duration I was high. I remember when he would bring things home to me I was too high to really care.
Yesterday I found those things he brought home to me that I didn't care enough about to read way back when, knowing now, that reading them back then would never have had the effect they did on me yesterday.
He wrote about his holidays with his family, he wrote about things we never did, he made up these wonderful family holiday get togethers that never happened.
He wrote about his dad who was dead and how he wished he could get a new dad that was nice to him, he wrote about how his parents would fight constantly and take it out on him and he wrote about wanting to run away from home.
He never wrote about his mother being a drug addict.
Some of the things he wrote made me laugh but mostly it made me cry.

I want it NOW!!

2008-03-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am a woman of extremely little patience, i cannot do the internet shopping thing usually because when I decide to buy something I want it now, I want to go to the store and get it NOW! Since The Puerto Rican and I have decided to get back together, as with anything I want everything now. TPR is hesitant to move to the new place with me, he does not want to give up the townhouse and have me decide next week that this is not what I want anymore. I totally understand his concern, he needs to see that I am serious about making this work and am totally committed to us and our relationship, but me being me, I know how I feel inside and that should be enough for him to move in with me NOW!!
I want us to be back to normal and moving forward with our life and I don't understand why he can't see that everything is ok and get with the program :-)

2008-03-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

The Puerto Rican and I have been inseperable since Firday night, we have decided to give it another try. I am really happy, I think we did a little growing up in the past 2 weeks. We have decided to seek couple's counseling as there are still issues that have not been resolved and we can't seem to get past the "she said - he said" shit with regards to those subjects.
The concert thing last week really made me realize that I don't want to party anymore that I want to settle down with the man I love, I'm just glad I figured it out sooner rather then later, as in too late.
Our time together now seems so much more relaxed and not so strained. We seriously need a vacation though!!

Not to flip on the other side of the world but I read the local news feeds every morning for the beehive state and am becoming increasing alarmed at how crazy things are getting here in the great salt lake.
The headlines are screaming everyday about businesses being robbed by gun yeilding miscreants.
Last week 2 men walked into a dollar store and shot and killed the manager. A Dollar Store? are you kidding me? How much money do you think they could have possibly gotten form a dollar store? $200? Maybe?
They picked up the men responible for the shooting yesterday, an 18 year old and a 13 year old. What is wrong with people??

Acting My Age

2008-03-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a blur, I performed the daily functions as painlessly as possible which was no easy thing, until I couldn't take it anymore, then I went home and was in bed asleep by 5 pm.
Let me back up a bit, on Monday after spending the entire day in the emergency room with my mom because she had gas or something and thought she was dying I got a call at 4:30pm (which is the time I got back to the office) inviting me to a Winger concert at a local club downtown. So I grabbed my stuff and off I went.
Looking back at that night I realize that TPR was absolutely right, I need to quit acting like I'm 21 and settle down with the man I love and grow old together.
I was dancing and drinking and yelling and screaming and acting like a friggin teeny bopper.
I have always said be careful what you wish for cus you just might get it and it's not always what you thought it would be.
Another thing that has recently put a little fear into me and this is SO corny, is the Patrick Swayze situation.
I watched the CNN interview yesterday and realized we can go at any minute and I need to quit F**cking around and settle down into a wonderful life with the man I love and act my damn age.
I did all that partying shit for too many years already, I need to grow the hell up.

Buyer's Remorse

2008-03-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

I had a very interesting weekend, I spent Friday night with The Puerto Rican, I was still pretty sick as the furnace in the new place blows only cold air downstairs where the bedrooms are. We spent Friday night together, talked about how great it will be to live apart and still be together, have separate lives and the space to be who we want yet date no one else and still be true to each other, how now when we spend time together it's because we want to not because we feel like we have to. Saturday morning came and we were all over each other, like newly met lovebirds, we spent a little time together Saturday and then went our separate ways. Ironically now that i have the freedom to party with friends and do what I want I chose to spend Saturday night alone at home watching my new flat screen tv.
Sunday came and TPR had buyers remorse, the package he had bought into the day before was no longer a purchase he wanted to keep. He wants more from me/us.
This revelation instilled deep fear into me instantly. What is it exactly I am afraid of? I know this man loves me and I love him. Yet I know that I am a relationship nightmare, I am controlling and projected my controlling features on myself, does that make sense? I assumed since I was so controlling of him that he was trying to be that same way to me when in fact he never was I just assumed I couldn't do what I wanted.
My mom says at the end of the day all friends aside it's just me & TPR. So we are in the negotiation stage, I think we both have some issues of our own to work on and some growing up to do. Marriage is a partnership not just a love affair.

Control Freak

2008-03-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

I am the epitome of control freak, if you look that word up in the dictionary you will clearly see my picture. Maybe it's because every man i have ever been with was a loser, no job, no car, no place to live and I supported him completely and was therefore the head honcho. But maybe it goes deeper then that because TPR is not a loser and yet I had to have control of everything, all the money, the decisions, everything single thing.
TPR is a really good guy, but for some reason he cannot relax and have fun around other people, not my people anyway. My friends and family are an extremely close knit group of people, we have known each other for many years, used together, went to prison together, saw alot of craziness together and then got clean together.
I thought this separation would give The Puerto Rican a chance to find himself, do guy stuff, rebuild his self confidence that i have so nicely destroyed.
We have decided to be friends, to each have our own identity. I think this Will be so good for TPR, I want the world for him and yet I'm the one who keeps him from getting it. Does that make any sense in a really twisted f**cked up way??
I want TPR to experience life, he's talking about going to Sturgis this summer on his bike, I'm so excited for him and although it's not easy for either of us, my leaving him is a good thing. Because if we were still a "Couple" there's no way in hell i would let him go to Sturgis and I hate that damn bike he has, it scares the sh*t out of me.
He said last night, after many days of being psycho man, he finally realizes this is the only way we have a hope of salvaging some kind of relationship.
We are making progress!! YES!!

Relationships

2008-03-05T10:54:00.001-08:00

Relationships: Isn't it ironic that the people who are in them want their freedom and the people who are single dream about that perfect relationship, and want nothing more then a significant other in their life.
Their is no such thing as a perfect relationship and unfortunately we are sometimes so desperate for companionship we settle for the first hottie who comes along.
That has been my life story, i jump into bed with someone and then try and make a relationship out of it.
I thought what The Puerto Rican and I had was different and we were going to last forever. I know though from a life time of bad relationships "forever" is not a long time.
It's amazing how you think you know someone, you sleep next to him for 2 years, hold him and console him when he thought his world was falling apart, laughed and loved together.
But you never really know who someone truly is until you try to break up with them, all the ugliness surfaces and quick, all the love is gone in an instant.
Nothing you have done for that person even matters anymore - or what your still trying to do for him in my case.
TPR and I have not been right for sometime and I never thought, or I tried to convince myself it didn't matter but it does.
I woke up Saturday morning and knew I couldn't do this relationship with him anymore, I gave him everything I had, the woman I was with him was completely different then I have ever been with anyone else and maybe TPR's right it was all a lie and I am not really that person I portrayed the last 2 years.
I met TPR on Myspace and like most single people I was lonely and wanted a man in my life, I have finally outgrown that stage after 20+ years and am feeling renewed to just be me.
I moved into the condo alone and have to start completely over because I left everything I owned with TPR.
So I have a bed, my clothes and my sanity.

Nooner

2008-02-29T12:46:00.000-08:00

I attended a noon AA meeting today, I am still in the mindset of denial, attitude adjustments are in order and i even found myself saying on the way to the meeting, my friends like me just the way I am, they think I'm awesome and love me drunk or sober.
My mom told me yesterday I would basically not have much support in my quest for sobriety. I would have her and TPR, that's it.
My brother's whom I love dearly are avid partyer's, they don't drink everyday but don't need much encouragement to make any gathering an excuse to down a few beers.
I did find some much needed solace in the noon meeting, the attendence was big and I heard some good stuff. I realized one thing, if I am to stay sober I need to occupy my time.
time on my hands makes for boredom and boredom is the best excuse to drink, party whatever.
Boredom was on the very top of my list when I used to get high, I lived in a constant state of boredom and was constantly smoking dope.
I know that I have to seriously change my lifestyle, I couldn't even imagine doing that until todays meeting, I was surrounded by people who do other things, they are a community of people who live life everyday sober.
I told TPR today I can't promise what I'm going to do tomorrow or next week but for right now I am not going to drink.
I am so torn between who I have always been, someone/something that I am comfortable with and a future I am not sure of, a path that doesn't include many people that I feel bonded with.
The whole thing is quite overwhelming actually and yet I feel safe in those rooms.
And so it is!

Californication

2008-02-28T11:46:00.000-08:00

I spent the whole day last saturday watching the tube. I am not a huge David Duchovny fan but he is fantastic in Californication.

It's a showtime series and it's great, it's funny, obnoxious and sexy. Duchovney plays a Writer who hasn't written anything in 5 years. He is single although constantly attempting to win back his ex lady of 13 years (they were never married) and his daughter from the new fiance.

It's a 2 thumbs up for sure, I got TPR addicted last night, not something for the kids to watch. Check it out - it's good shit!!

1st Meeting

2008-02-28T10:09:00.000-08:00

I hit my first AA meeting yesterday after work. I went with an attitude, and totally in denial. The meeting was located in a rather unsavory part of town, it was the closest meeting and the time was perfect.
The attendance was very small. 7 people including myself, 4 men 3 woman. The ladies were on one side of the room and the men on the other, everyone was very uncomfortable as is usually the initial atmosphere.
The woman who chaired the meeting "A", had a very sad story to tell with just 8 months sober. Because the group was so small everyone had to share, so A passed the buck to the next woman J and after J's story she passed it to me.
In keeping with how I felt at the moment I shared honestly, that I had been given an ultimatum and didn't really think I had a problem and after kicking a 16 year meth addiction 5 years ago what is the big fuckin deal if I like to drink on occasion.
Then I passed the buck to the next person in line, the men. Interestingly enough, 2 of the men had stories similar to mine in that they had given their wives ultimatums and the wives had chosen alcohol. One of the guys K, he is still good friends with the now ex-wife after 18 years of marriage, K said yesterday that his ex is convinced that she is enjoying her life. That hit home, their stories, the fact that the wives had chosen alcohol over their husbands/relationships and to see how much it hurt those men struck a tiny cord deep down inside my abyss of ice coldness.
When that little ping of feeling crept up to my consciousness, I knew I was in the right place :-)

Turning Points

2008-02-27T14:41:00.000-08:00

I have reached a very serious place in my life and I'm not entirely sure what I want. Let me back up by saying I broke my sobriety Sunday. I went out with a couple friend of mine, spent the entire day with them and during our exploits we had a few pitchers of beer.
Needless to say when I got home TPR hit the roof. I had been gone for 11 hours without so much as a phone call. TPR had plans that didn't include me so I figured it was no big deal.
Now in the aftermath TPR has given me an ultimatum, either I get help for my drinking problem or we are done.
Honestly, I feel like a kid when mom says you can't do something. I have been through so much shit and after the wars I've fought I don't feel like my occasional partying is that big of a deal.

There are many qualities in TPR that I love and have never seen in any other man. Do I want to lose him? No. But I still feel like I am giving up a part of myself and if I don't quit drinking for myself but because he is forcing me to I know I will hate him for it.

So....we are at a crossroad because TPR has agreed to help me do all the work on the new place and agreed to be fair with splitting the belongings, he also wants to remain friends because he says I'm a great person but just not someone he wants to be with if I can't stop drinking. He said he understands if I choose not to change my life & wouldn't hold it against me. However if I don't change I will be moving into the new place alone and he will keep the townhouse we currently rent.

My mom says we both need to grow up and as much as I love him I want to have my cake and eat it too. Which has never worked before for me and will probably be the ruin of what I now have with TPR.
What do i really want? I want a loving, kind man who allows me to be me. Is that possible?

Did I mention I am a control freak? Completely.

I realize I have much of my own work to do and TPR has told me he would support me and love me know matter what.

My fellow blogger LoveBabz inspires me daily with her words, wisdom and trials, she has made it through the muck also and I wish I could find the peace & love she has obviously tapped into. Maybe it would help me get out of myself and into a happier place.

Whoo Hoo Wednesday

2008-02-20T13:39:00.001-08:00

Just checking in to say that life is good, I am mending fences in all aspects of my life.

My son's Fiance is an amazing woman and we have not spoken for awhile not for any specific reason that I can say for sure but in keeping with where I have been for the last little while, my inner self that is, it's not rocket science to figure out why we haven't been talking. I haven't really spoke to anyone much lately, just my bottle of Gin. So today I closed that gap of nothingness between us.

I know from past experiences that if you are inline with your goodness, good things happen to you and although i recently blogged about a good friend of the family who had fallen on hard times, about how you cannot be a dirt bag forever and expect good things to happen. It's ironic and kind of funny but dirtbags do come in all forms, shapes, sizes, colors and even degrees I suppose.

One of my familes biggest flaws is that we are extremely judgemental people, although we don't see it as a flaw, it is.

Is it a universal problem or specific to inidivual people - i think everyone judges in some form or way, whether it's religous, cultural, racial or socially exceptable, even politically correct???

I guess what I am trying to say is maybe I need to practice what I preach!! Or more that I need to watch who i am calling a dirtbag as it seems I fall into that category myself at times.

New Me

2008-02-19T10:38:00.001-08:00

I spent the majority of my day off yesterday with my mom. We went to lunch, packed a couple of boxes full of her kitchen stuff and went up to the new place. It was nice, her place is coming along. She has the hard wood floor in already and is redoing the master bath and putting in a claw bath tub. TPR and I are going crazy waiting for the tenants to move out of our place so we can get started with the stuff we are going to do.
My mom made a comment about how pleasant I was, a different me. Not so angry - that's when I confessed that my life had recently spun almost completely out of control and that I am 2 weeks clean & sober -
Her words made me realize that I am a different person when I'm not drinking. I actually like me.
TPR and I are getting along fabulously, we had a great weekend, we laughed and enjoyed being together.
It seems as though I have finally gotten my priorities straight - I thought I was giving up a piece of me because I couldn't drink and be the dumb ass I thought I wanted to be, when in fact by gathering up the courage to say I want my relationship to work more then anything else I have allowed myself to be truly free.
I'm still planning to hit some meetings and my mom thinks that's a huge thing as she is convinced I never truly recoverd but traded my meth addiction for alcohol. But mom's don't know everything. :-)

Thursday -

2008-02-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

I got the loans closed for the condo and I thought that was a headache - holy shit - it's just beginnning.
TPR and I are quite excited, we are going to pick out paint this weekend & hard wood flooring, we'll be doing the work ourselves. TPR has quite a sense of style.
BUT....................My mom is already driving me crazy - she of course doesn't have anyone to share her excitement with, to paint with, to do any stuff around her place with and so she is expecting us to take care of all that for her or with her.
It's going to be a long painful process, sometimes I wish I lived on the other side of the planet far, far away from my family.
Today is day 3 clean & sober - I haven't made it to a meeting yet but I'm mending fences at home.
I had someone tell me once that he had to wear a tool belt constantly to repair the white picket fence I continuously run over and knock down. :-)

Regroup Time

2008-02-06T09:59:00.001-08:00

When I first got out of prison as per the required guidelines I attended treatment /3 step programs, i used to go to a narcotics anonymous meeting everyday at lunch time in the beautiful city of seaside, ca.
although i had been clean for a year and didn't even see a chance of relapse in the future I attended the meetings and found out my addictions run far deeper then just drugs.
I have deep seated shit going on I didn't even know about. I found other 3 step programs that were more geared towards my personal addictions but I still went to the various groups and was able to share about what I was going through without going into detail about my specific defects.

When I first came back to Utah a couple years ago - I wasn't working and my brother Chewy was self employed - the kind of self employed that doesn't require you to actually work - anyway we partyed, everyday.
I spent the better portion of my first month back in Utah drunk. Obnoxiously, aggresively drunk and after a couple of pretty scary incidents I realized my life was out of control -
I stopped hanging out with Chewy and quit drinking and went back to the rooms - the rooms of AA.
It seems things have come full circle and after a weekend, a month, everyday drinking I realize that my life is now out of control again and if I don't do something to change it, I'm going to lose something very, very good and dear to me.

Blog Block

2008-01-24T10:23:00.001-08:00

When I started this blog I felt like I was writing about meaningful things, stuff that I am passionate about.

Lately I feel like I write about very minut and trivial stuff compared to the deep things I am reading on some of my fellow bloggers pages.

Writers/bloggers block seems to have creeped up on me, maybe it's because i am so frickin stressed out about these loans I am doing for the condo.

TPR got me this gift certificate for xmas that i haven't used yet to the Sanctuary day spa, an amazing place I love to go get facials. I think when this is all done I am going to go spend a whole damn day there getting all the good stuff.

We are starting to plan the things we are going to do first and then the stuff that needs to be done by summer like central air.

Neither TPR nor I have ever owned our own place, so this will be a first for both of us and I am so glad we are sharing it together.

I'm finally getting excited, it's going to be so fun.

My Apology

2008-01-23T09:11:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling a little embarrassed about my post yesterday. First of all what a cliche' who gets in bar fights? I mean really. Second, I have never been a violent person, have never been into a real fight in my whole life unless you count beating the shit out of my brothers when I was young. But since my realease from prison something changed in me. Maybe it's just old age, but in the past couple years I have put my hands on people and honestly it makes me feel really bad. I have no right to hurt or put my hands on anyone else.
So this is my apology of sorts to my post yesterday and anyone who may have offended by it.

Old Friends Good Times

2008-01-22T12:38:00.000-08:00

It seems The Puerto Rican and I haven't been out in ages, not since the alcohol incident, which is my very first post.

So saturday evening we had already had a few drinks, we were feeling nice and I wasn't looking forward to our normal saturday night at home. Amazingly enough when i suggested going to the local watering hole for a game of pool, TPR agreed. I was shocked!!

Yeah!!! we get to go out!!! then came the obvious next question, where to go?

One of our very favorite places to go is a sports bar called the point after. The problem is my brother and I were 86'd out of there 2 years ago. Him because he is a loud mouth trouble maker and me because I beat the shit out of some woman in the bar that night 2 years ago.

Anyway, after a nice call to the current manager of the point after we rushed our happy asses down there to play some pool.

We didn't stay long, but we did bring our friends back to the house where we proceeded to drink until we were pretty trashed. This is us after way too much to drink, me, my brother and our good, good friend from way, way back who just recently came back into our lives. We love you A!!!

OMG!!

2008-01-18T10:04:00.000-08:00

As soon as i walked into the office this morning I receieved the suspension for my mother's loan on the condo. After a near fatal heart attack I called the underwriter and with the help of the great guys in my office was able to smooth the feathers.

So we are back on track just waiting for the conditions. The lady on the left was me this morning and the insane guy will be me by the time this over!

Happy Friday All

Tagged, I hate it!

2008-01-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

You suck Me, Myself & I!! I have been tagged. Here are the rules
Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Share six (6) non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. I have a huge heart, I am pretty rough around the egdes but if I let you in, I'm really a big softy.
2. I hate talking about myself and therefore hate Tags
3. I love to cook, have mad skills
4. I hate massages, i can't relax
5. I am extremely loyal to my family, I would do anything for my brothers & son
6. I'm loud and obnoxious when I drink, I usually say stuff that I feel really bad about the next day.
I'm going to break the rules and end this here.

Karma

2008-01-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

As I have said in other posts I believe in Karma, what goes around always, always comes around.
I got some disturbing news yesterday about a family friend who recently lost his job and is in a bad way. Unfortunatly this man has taken advantage of and stolen from almost everyone he comes into contact with. Ironically he was fired for using the company gas card to fill up his personal ride, not just once but continously for months.
Now don't get me wrong we have all done our own shit but at some point you have to grow up and be right, you can't continue to be a dirtbag and expect life to treat you good.

Happy Hump Day!!

2008-01-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

It's Wednesday, the middle of the week and I feel like I have been here at the office a year already,

it's only 11:40 am.

The loan for the condo is moving along, I feel very good about the package I submitted to the lender. I spent so much time going over every little detail to make sure it was perfect.

Rates are the lowest they have been in 2 years and I hope my boss has the tenacity to go out and get some of that refinance action.

The Puerto Rican and I are getting along fabulously, I ordered a set of blockers from a martial arts website, they are 28 inches of foam attached to a plastic handle.

Whenever we get bent out of shape or irritated we hit each other with the blockers. It only takes a few hits and your laughing so hard you can hardly stand it.

I recommend them for every couple and infact am getting a set for all the family next year for Xmas. We love them and find it very hard to stay mad at each other.

Happy Hump Day All!!!

Casual Friday!!

2008-01-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

It's Friday people!! Thank God! After all those holiday long weekends this week has seemed like a month.

TPR and I are clearly going to be recuperating from this month long week all weekend. Yes we are getting old.

The Puerto Rican was laid off last week from his job, the owner of that company is a very bad business man and although he made many promises to TPR that he never kept TPR stayed with him and was loyal to the guy. I think TPR felt sorry for him. Anyway, the owner always said TPR would be the last to go and all be damned if the owner didn't keep the biggest loser he had, the one that only shows up half the time and let TPR go.

TPR started a new job this week, he's making more money and learned his lesson he's loyal to the money ONLY!!

Have a great weekend all!!

Condo Update

2008-01-10T12:44:00.001-08:00

Now that the contract is signed and the earnest money paid, it's up to me to get the loan done. My mom is a worry wart on steroids, she calls me at least 5 times every day.
One of the most nerve racking things about the mortgage industry is you have to hurry up and wait. You must depend on other people to do their jobs and hopefully in a timely manner. Which they usually don't do either.
Many times the agent for the mortgage company blows smoke up your ass about the loans he can get done and as soon as you submit the loan to underwriting it is denied.
With the changes in the industry most of the creative financing stuff is gone and of course that is what I need to make this happen.
Yesterday I got my first denial and freaked out on The Puerto Rican, who responded with the cutest text reassuring me that if anyone can get the impossible done it is me.
Last spring I did my brother's loan in 4 days, it was the most stressful I remember being in a long time.
The gray hairs are sprouting out all ready and I have 29 more days to go.

Lucky Stars

2008-01-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

The Puerto Rican and I have been blessed. I have told TPR in the past it is so important to believe in karma, "what comes around goes around" I am one of those people who always gives money to that homeless person holding a sign or begging for money. TPR on the other hand is convinced they use the money for alcohol and/or they should take they're asses out and get a job.
I am a firm believer in "you have to give to get" and I have been very fortunate in my life, it seems I can fall into a pile of shit and usually come out smelling rather rosey. But again, my Karma points are pretty stacked in my favor :-).
TPR and I have been wanting to buy a house for sometime but we don't have any kids at home and don't have a down payment saved up.
My mom who owns her home pretty much free & clear came across an amazing deal, a duplex on the east bench.
Now for those of you who are not from the Beehive State, Salt Lake City is one big valley. The farther East you are the higher up the social ladder you climb, not to mention the closer to the mountains you are.
This duplex is right at the base of the mountain with the most amazing view of the whole valley. My mom has the credit & the equity for the down payment but can't afford the monthly payments. TPR and I CAN afford the monthly payments.
So........We are buying/paying for/eventually inheriting a condo!!

My Hero

2008-01-03T12:31:00.000-08:00

There is a woman who I have known for what seems like my whole life but in fact I have known her since I was 15 years old. She is my sister-in-law, C. C and I went through many years of heartache and shit together. Our kids grew up together amist all that madness and chaos. She was an instrumental part of my life for many, many years. Now our children are grown and some have faired better then others, C wasn't as lucky as I was. C's son whom I used to change diapers for strayed from the path, and like the rest of us his journey back is going to be long and painful. In his wake he has had his own children who have not faired well either. Left to their own devices the children are now with grandma, C. These grandchildren although wonderful require special attention.

This post is for C, you are truly an amzing woman, your strong and straight up and My Woman of the year. You are My Hero.

New Years Eve

2008-01-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

The Puerto Rican and I drank our way through New Years Eve without any incidents. We all gathered around at my brother's house and talked shit, drank and just enjoyed being there. I had an opportunity to spend a little time that evening with a very special man. His name is Diego, he is the Autistic step son of my boss. I have never been around an autistic person before and although he is not a genius like Dustin Hoffman in the Rain Man, he is equally unique. A very sweet, innocent man. Diego brang in the New Year with us and it was very special.
I was so trashed I couldn't get out of bed the next day, so my sweet, wonderful TPR made me breakfast in bed and catered to my every need on the very first day of this year.

Me

2007-12-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

I've done a lot of soul searching over the last month, since the other woman incident with TPR my mind has been a flutter with all the usual insecurites, concerns, dwelling on that text and so much other crap.
When I realized that I love TPR and I am in this for the duration, I WILL stand by him no matter what, because I love him and what we have is worth fighting for, the voices in my head stopped and my mind calmed to a low hum from a deafening roar.
I am once again comfortable with who I am and where we are. I have no control over what other people do and I know that things will work out however they are meant to.
It's time for a new beginning - a new year - Lot's of Love!!

Staurday Night!!

2007-12-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

Saturday night The Puerto Rican and I went to a very nice get together put on by ThatOneCouple . It was a very nice time, good eats, good drink and great company. We would love to do it again. Thanks for inviting us!!

Post Christmas ......drama!

2007-12-26T10:35:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a minute since I last blogged. Life has been so up and down lately I feel like I'm on a fucking roller coaster and I'm not sure if this ride will ever end. Just when I think we have gone over the final hair bending hill I get blindsided by even more treacherous whips & turns.
I know that relationships require sacrifice, but how far & how much does one have to sacrifice. I love my fiance, but does loving someone mean you have to give up a part of who you are?
It seems as long as we stay in our little box everything is okay, but anytime we venture out to converse with other people everything is NOT OK.

I have been in the beehive state for a very long time and during that time I was not tied down with a husband and small children, I know alot of people. I rarely ever see any of those people but with the world being the tiny place it is, on occasion life will throw up one of those people from my past.

So....yesterday we gathered round at my brother's for a little Christmas cheer & drinks. My Sister-in-Law's brother showed up with a friend who brought his fiance who I have known for over 10 years.
I have not seen her in a few years, but she used to be very close to my family. My brother's and I were her only family for years. We have been through lot's of shit together. Our family feels somewhat responsible for wrecking this girl.

Anyway, i had a couple beers and we were bullshitting, catching up on the past when TPR became quite angry because I wasn't by his side.

The friend left and then it was just the family and we were laughing and talking and having a good time, I get very friendly when I drink. Not inappropriate just loosened up.
So at 6:00 TPR decides it's time to go home!!! WTF????

We left and then the shit hit the fan, nothing too brutal but the bottom line is TPR doesn't allow me to be me, or he doesn't like me when I am.
Am I willing to give myself up completely for this relationship? Can I be this good little housewife? This timid woman who doesn't have a fucking opinion? Who quietly sits by her man's side and just looks good? FUCK NO I CAN'T!!

Flashback

2007-12-14T08:17:00.001-08:00

Right before I got confirmation The Puerto Rican was stepping out, looking outside our relationship for validation, I knew. Looking back, the little things I ignored are so clear now. The night before I had a dream that he was cheating on me and that next morning came the text that is now burned into my mind, those hurtful words asking another woman to hook up with him.
Now we are trying to pull it all back together and I wonder will it ever be the same. Was it ever as great as I thought?
We talked and cried and said all the things necessary to instill the needed confidence in each other to even be able to move forward. I thought I didn't have any fight left in me. Yet a flash back of something I ignored reared it's ugly head this morning and the doubt resurfaced.

They say the first 2 years are the hardest, we are rolling up on 2 years. Does that mean pretty soon we will fall into this comfortable, secure relationship? All doubt removed?

Shopping

2007-12-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

I love to go clothes shopping with TPR, he always comes into the dressing room with me. Last night we went to get me some snow clothes for the escapades planned this weekend. 15+ years I have lived in the beehive state and I have no snow clothes. I have the mandatory snow boots but no other attire.
TPR helped me pick out the snow overalls and good hell talk about a blimp!! I pulled them on over my jeans in the dressing room and was appalled, I looked like humpty dumpty!!
I'm not fat, I'm healthier then I have ever been but there is no way to pile on that much clothing and not look like a hefer.
I went with the snow pants and not the overalls, it's bad enough looking so round, but round and hickified. It was comical actually.
TPR mentioned getting out our aggressions this weekend in the snow, that worries me. I plan to take my camera and hope to get some good shots of TPR busting his ass on the snow board!!

XMAS GIFTS

2007-12-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

TPR knows i got him a snow board for chrsitmas. He and the guys at work are already planning quality snow time as early as this weekend.
In order to prepare for that time TPR absolutly had to open his snowboarding stuff early.
You rarely see an adult truly excited about something, especially a gift. The Puerto Rican was like a kid in a candy store when he opened the board last night.
TPR is the only man I have ever dated that dresses better then I do. All his stuff has to match, so in keeping with that, his board, boots and bindings look like they are a set and go together.
I have never seen him so excited about anything, it was amazing and worth every penny just to see his reaction.
Sometimes it is so the little things in life that matter.

Life

2007-12-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

The last week has seemed like a month. It's amazing how one action can cause a sequence of events that are so painful and yet necessary.
The Purto Rican and I have been to hell and back in the last 7 days. It's not over but at least the healing process has begun.
Taking a look at who you truly are is not always an easy thing. Realizing that not only am I not perfect but neither is anyone else and people make mistakes.
With a lifetime of bad relationships and walls that are so ingrained in who I am, how do I let them down? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable? How does anyone?
Is it possible to come into a relationship and leave your baggage at the door?
Why is it I can be fine one minute and fucked up not long after?
It seems I have so many questions these days, unanswerable questions, but sticking with my firm belief that everything happens for a reason, no matter how tragic, I know that there is a reason for this time in my life too.

People

2007-12-04T08:53:00.000-08:00

Human beings are so funny. We are extremely judgemental people and feel very strongly about our judgements no matter what our basis for said thinking.
I am no better, when I was working at the call center, I didn’t like anyone else who worked there and I was a bitch to pretty much everyone. Most of the people who worked there were in my opinion, ghetto.
I was the number one sales person on the team of about 50 people and that only added to my feelings of superiority.
Last night I went out to pick up pizza for TPR and I at the local Pizza Hut and as I’m standing there in Pizza Hut waiting for someone to help me I notice this woman in the back who I know from said horrible call center. The only reason this particular woman stands out in my mind is because we have the same first name.
She sees me and says hi, how are you and I of course sticking with my prejudgements was the same bitch to her last night as I was when I used to work there.
After all the places I have been and the things I have done, I wonder where I get off thinking anyone else is ghetto or beneath me.
Something to think about

Winter

2007-12-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

Winter is Here!! It snowed here pretty much all day Saturday. Sunday morning it was so beautiful, I took this amazing picture right outside our place.

I love taking pictures and have decided to take a photography class this next semester at the community college.

I am so bored with my life right now.

The job I thought was going to provide the challenge I really need in my life has turned out to be quite disappointing.

So I am going back to school, only this time to learn & do something fun that I am passionate about.

We got our chrsitmas tree yesterday & TPR even helped me decorate it, fun. We have decided to do Christmas early this year. We are going to open all our presents on Christmas Eve morning, deliver all the family gifts that morning and head up to the mountains to spend Christmas in the snow. TPR can't wait to try out his new snow board and thinks since I am so fascinated by the snow this year a tube is just what I need. Hmmm!!

Wierdest Thing

2007-11-29T08:28:00.000-08:00

I woke up out of my sleep this morning thinking about this blog. I'm not sure how to tell this story without turning it into a novel inorder to convey the significance this single event had on my life.
Let me start off with the wierdest thing that happened yesterday. After watching Sanford & Son yesterday morning I was curous as to what had happened to one of the main characters Demond Wilson, so I looked him up on wikipedia, this led to looking up Redd Foxx.
I know he's dead but i just wanted to see what his other accomplishments were. While reading the page on Redd Foxx it had a link to see his memorial. Not really sure why but I clicked on the link. I have entirely too much time on my hands The Puerto Rican said.
The link took me to a website called findagrave.com, which has a search engine to locate graves of famous people and nonfamous people. I typed in the name & date of death of my late husband and all be damned if it didn't pull up a memorial for him. I was stunned, even wierder was I saw it was ME who posted the memorial 6 years ago.

When I was 15 years old, I left a normal white middle class home to move into a onebedroom motel room with Danny, his heroin addict mother & her heroin addict husband. They sold heroin out of that motel room and eventually Danny's mom would die of a heroin overdose.

Not long after, at the age of sixteen I became pregnant, shortly into the pregnancy Danny went to prison, I was 16, preganant and alone in Los Angeles.
With the help of his family, I made my way, had the baby, and waited for Danny to get out of prison.
When he got out I was 18 and our son was a year old. Shortly after getting out of prison Danny got into Meth, we both started using.
Over the course of the next 4 years I lived a nightmare. The violence, the drugs, the people, it was almost surreal. One day Danny put a knife to my throat because I wouldn't get into the car with him.
This man was my first love & the father of my child, I was young and trying to raise my son and take care of my family. I also had the responsability of my 2 brothers who lived with us because my mom threw them out of the house when they were in elementary school.

One day I couldn't take the chaos any longer and I took my son & ran. Danny had always told me he would kill me if I ever left him & I was terrified.

The seperation tore all of us apart, my brothers were divided between their love for me & their loyalty to Danny. My son who stayed at home with his Dad while I worked everyday no longer had his father in his life and I was torn between what I knew was the right thing to do and the love I still had for this man.

Danny would call me everyday at work and tell me how he was going to kill himself and I would cry and beg him to think about the son he had who needed him. These kind of calls went on for a couple months and then one day Danny called and he said "you will never talk to me again and I don't ever want to see my son again, I can't take it seeing him on the weekends".

A couple weeks later on my 22nd birthday there was a knock on the door at 5am, Danny was dead. I never spoke to him again. I never saw him again, the car accident was so violent it had to be a closed casket.

My life spiraled out of control after that and it would be many years before I pulled my head out of my ass. It was the single most devestating thing to ever happen to me and yet I know now it happened for a reason.
I can not even imagine what my life would be like if he were still alive. After all these years I still dream about him and I have this son who looks exactly like him.

Danny is buried at the Inglewood Park Cemetary, in Ingelwood, CA not far from his mother, across the street from what used to be the Forum where they held concerts & Laker's games.

His headstone says "One Life One Love" may he rest in peace because no one will ever know his pain.

Shitty, Snowy, Morning

2007-11-28T10:58:00.000-08:00

TPR and I live in a townhouse, it has one covered parking spot and one uncovered. Since he has all his electricians stuff in the back of his truck he parks under the covered space.
Last night we had our first good snow storm and this morning my Nissan was frozen over with snow.
I went out to start my car, get it warmed up and drivable, I gathered my shit together and went out to leave to find my car door locked with the engine running.
When TPR and I first started living together, in that initial lovey doveyness, we gave each other the spare key to our vehicles. I have his spare key on my key ring, it's not fucken rocket science and I have let him into his locked out truck a few times.
Does he have my extra key? Fuck no he doesn't he lost it. God I love to hate that man sometimes :-)
1 1/2 hours later, I have watched The Jefferson's, Sanford & Son and am working on All in the Family, which I hate and still no locksmith.
My car only had a 1/4 tank last night and I just know the damn thing is going to run out of gas before the dumbass locksmith gets there.
When I got out of prison my mom's husband at the time bought the car for me from a dealership in Monterey, CA. So naturally when my extremely inpatient ass called the local dealer to have them cut a key which the TPR could pick up and bring to me, the service guy said my key code is unknown. Perfect!!
Continous calls to the locksmith enroute go straight to an answering machine, by now I am foaming at the mouth.
Finally he shows up and wedges some block of wood in my window, sticks a slim jim of sorts in and POP goes the lock.
2 hours, $39 & at least 10 new gray hairs later, I am off, straight to the local Action locksmith to get 2 new keys, one of which I'm gluing to TPR's ass!!
Happy Happy Joy Joy!!

Loser

2007-11-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

Why do we hurt the ones we love the most? I am a good woman, I treat my man good, I never lie to him, I cook, spoil him rotten and he loves me dearly. Yet somewhere inside me there is something so insecure, so fucked up that when it surfaces I am an ugly bitch.
Maybe somewhere inside I don't think I deserve this great guy. I have been with many losers in my life, almost every single man I have ever been with was a loser of the biggest kind. No job, in & out of prison, no car and always a drug addict.
The one thing all these guys had in common besides the obvious was that they needed me. From that I got some sick, fucked up validation. Also I was in complete control, my house, my money, my rules.
Now I have this wonderful, respectful, amazing man who is my equal and I am bound and determined to ruin his respect for me.
Standing up and being accountable is not always an easy thing. For many years I covered up the things that make me hurt with drugs. How do I allow myself to be vulnerable? How do I allow this man to love me?
Alcohol seems to be the trigger that brings all this ugliness forward. We have a few cocktails at home and things are great. Yet when I get trashed & most importantly when I am around my family I act like a total asshole.
So..............I won't make all the usual promises, but I will do whatever it takes to not lose this man whom I love with all my heart!

The Thanksgiving Incident

2007-11-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was amazing, i truly out did myself. The turkey was the best ever, after reading about deep frying for weeks, i was a pro before I even started. This year instead of making all the family traditions i decided to make different dishes from some betty crocker thanksgiving cookbook i found by the cash register at the Albertson's I cherish!

That morning we made the obligatory phone calls and when TPR called his mom's his nephew answered the phone and laid all the latest utah family gossip on him. Most importantly TPR's ex fatherinlaw is basically homeless, he's staying with a girl whom TPR used to fuck but he can't continue to stay there anymore. TPR told me later how bad he felt for the ex fatherinlaw and was thinking about asking me if he could stay with us, we have a spare room. After going over the pro's and cons we decided that was not a good idea.

Friday TPR & I had some christmas shopping to do and with all the sales couldn't wait to get out there and spend money. We went all out this year and spent a fortune but it makes me feel good to be able to do for others.
We decided to visit with family and friends that evening since we did the scrooge thing on turkey-day.
I was home wrapping gifts and waiting for TPR to get back from his shopping when i decided to have a few cocktails! Yes I know, bad idea. I was determined to be a good girl and not act inappropriate.
When TPR got home he was a little worried but i assured him i was going to maintain and not get crazy.

So off we went, made an appearance or two and ended up at my brother's & his wife, my other brother came over with his girl and it was just the six of us doing a really nice family thing.

Unbeknowest to me TPR was trashed and after an hour or so he told my brother he was going to get beer, never said shit to me and left. The store is a 1/2 block from my brother's house. TPR was gone well over an hour, really close to 2 hours.
Of course I freaked out, when I called him to see what he was doing he got very pissed off and acted like i was tripping.

Needless to say things went from bad to worse, by the time he got back to my brothers, I was beyond talking to, not that TPR was trying to say anything to me except what a drunk I am. We got home and shit started flying, I went off. Not the smartest move I'm aware.

I am absolutly convinced he went to see his ex fatherinlaw that night which he vehemently denies. Not neccesarily to see Grace(the woman he used to sleep with) but to see his fatherinlaw who he has alot of history with.

I left that night with my suitcase in hand and he came looking for me the next morning, asking me to come home. That in it's self is extremely out of character for him.
I came home. He was sweet, kind, he held me and took care of me as i was in pretty bad shape and things were ok.

Then i woke up with a stranger on Sunday, he was pissed off and wouldn't talk to me????

Happy Fucking Holidays!!!

Sunday Service

2007-11-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

I broke down on Sunday and did the family thing with moms. I had every intention of going to the dreaded graduation Saturday night. TPR was even going to go with me. This was quite a shock when he offered to go, with the oh so kind words of "we can't just leave your mom hanging like that, she doesn't have anybody and we should go support her". I almost fell off my chair.

Anyway we slithered out of that event only to be pummeled with tears of joy from my mom Sunday morning because we had wanted to attend but didn't because we never heard back from her. To make up for it my mom thought it would be nice if I attended church with her.

She was not taking NO for an answer.

My mom attends a unity church, it's spiritual but not religious. It can be ok at times, too much singing and the usual phoniness.
We got to church and of course she wants to sit in the very front row. No hiding in the back seat like I would be more comfortable with.
The minister and his wife recently moved out of state so they are having guest speakers fill in until they get a new minister. The older gentleman Norm, who was speaking on Sunday took the stage and was practically standing on my toes i was so damn close.

Norm started with the usual we are so blessed, blah, blah bullshit and then he said he teaches a business class at the college, actually at the Utah State Prison. This was impressive and he had my complete attention now. He went on to explain the work he is doing with the souls out there and although they have comitted crimes or made wrong choices somewhere inside they still have sweet souls like the rest of us.

Norm told a story about one of his students Shane, who took his class at the prison, very intelligent guy. The inmate Shane who was enrolled in vocational classes that teach the inmates to build manufactured homes taught Norm how to hang drywall right there on the prison yard in one of the manufactured homes. Norm was so impressed with Shane's skills and the intelligance he exhibited in his class he told Shane that when he gets out he wants Shane to work with him. Shane's response was "Norm, I'm never getting out".

It was a very powerful service and I was so touched I waited after the service to talk to Norm and express my thanks for the work he is doing out there. I told him I was there and they don't have anything like that for the women out there.

If I could change one thing it would be my felonious status, that label prohibits me from being allowed to go into those kinds of places and help people who really need it.

Text Twist

2007-11-20T08:15:00.008-08:00

I have been so stuck on this dumb game for the last few days I haven't even thought about blogging.
It's a very addicting computer word scramble. I noticed the guy that's been occupying the seat in front of me has been playing this game for days. Upon closer inspection I realized it looked quite fun. Three days later!!
I am so excited about the holidays!!
I got my turkey last night, a fresh one from the local meat market. Got it all rubbed down with the creole seasoning, cayenne pepper, italian dressing marinade. Come Thursday it will be ready to go into the deep fryer.
A few months ago The Puereto Rican and I went to dinner at P.F. Changs, a great chinese place downtown. I ordered a drink there called the Zen Press. It was fantastic, not sweet, but very refreshing. I called to get the recipe and after much pulling of teeth got the waitress to give me the basics.
I make this in the half glasses.
ingredients:
Hendricks Gin
Lemon Grass
Cucumber
Club Soda
Lime Juice
.
In a shaker muddle a few slices of cucumber, I use a mini processor to shred a stick of the lemon grass, add it to the muddled cucumber in the shaker, add a shot and half of the gin, shake it up, strain over ice, fill with club soda, splash of lime juice. I use the lime juice in the plastic limes in produce dept.
I keep adding the gin to that same muddled cucumber & lemon grass, it's good for a few drinks, and if you let the gin soak in that stuff awhile it's even better.
I can't wait to get my tree, I am almost done with my christmas shopping. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about the Holidays!!
Have a good one all, Eat, Drink and be Merry!!

Parents

2007-11-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

My parents divorced when i was 9 years old. I am the oldest of 3 children, I raised my 2 younger brothers. All 3 of us left home at a very young age. Our father had better things to do and Moms was too busy with boyfriends and trips to Hawaii to really care.

So my brothers and I made it through the school of hard knocks together and to this day we have a very special bond because of it. All we had was each other for many, many years. We fought the wars on the streets and no matter what we stuck together.

My Dad recently came to town to visit, I hadn't seen or spoken to him in 10 years.

My mom's husband of 10 years left her 2 years ago. Devestated, she packed up all her stuff and moved here to the beehive state to be near her kids. After 20+ years she needs her children, now, that she is all alone. She finally needs us to need her and guess what, we don't. After 4 husbands and a very lucrative career, she has nothing.

Without sounding too harsh I can only stand to be around my mom for very short periods of time and then I start having anxiety attacks. Moms is very emotional about everything, she cannot have a conversation about anything, without tearing up about something, she's become very clingy and needy. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Just talking to her on the phone is a frigging project.

Moms is doing all the self help shit, trying to figure out who she is, doing overtime with the inner child. She had the normal tragedies for her time period. Child of alcoholic parents, sexually abused by her grandfather.

She just completed this Impact Program, one of those seminars that costs $500 to sit 15 hours a day for 3 days just to find out it's all nothing. Nothing is anything until you attach emotion to it and make it into your own personal drama. I know I did one years ago to try and keep my ass out of prison, didn't work. AND it didn't change my life.

I'm happy for her if it's making her feel better about where she is in life. However this morning on the way to work my cellphone rings and when i see it's Moms number I get that same dreaded feeling i always get when she calls "what now?".
I answer the call and she screams "Hi Baby" all kinda way to happy for that early in the morning.
She informs me she is off to phase 2 of her program which costs god knows how much and she'll be gone for 4 days.

Each of theses little seminars has a graduation where they ask you to invite all your relatives so that they can try and recruit them to do the damn seminar. So I chose not to attend her 1st graduation last saturday night.

Great I say I'm happy for you. Here comes the tears, "it would mean so much to me to see your face out there saturday night" she cries.

Obligation Guilt is a motherfucker!! The Puerto Rican's whole family lives in NY, therefore he has no family obligations. Do you think he's even remotely interested in sharing my torturesome family obligations? Hell No! do I blame him? Well of course I do, he should support me and share in my misery!

Black Dahlia Murder in a FLW home?

2007-11-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday as i was enjoying my day off I happened to catch a small piece of American Justice. I love those kind of shows. What caught my ear was the mention of a Franklin Lloyd Wright home, thanks to an architecural fiend and fellow blogger That One Guy, I am completely enchanted(i love this word) by his homes.
They showed some great shots of the inside of the house, the gardens, the patio and the secret room hidden behind a book case.
One of the suspects in the Black Dahlia murder used to live in this magnificent home back in the 40's. In 2003 his son came forward with the information his father was in fact the Black Dahlia Murderer. The son claims his father killed Elizabeth Short in the bathtub and with the secret rooms in the house was able to get the body out without anyone in the house ever knowing.
This morning I looked it up on Wikipedia to find the son who is a retired LAPD detective is full of shit or so the officer in charge of the Black Dahlia case thinks. It was interesing watching anyway!

John Doe

2007-11-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

If you read "Time, Talk & Stuff" part 1, the example i gave reagrding the drug deal made on a home phone by John Doe. It was not an example & John Doe is a real person, my son. To make a long story short, he was busted with a large quantity of meth, he was looking at a minimum of 20 years. I'm not saying he didn't deserve to be punished but 20 years is extreme and definetely does NOT fit the crime. His high profile lawyer Ron Yengich won a supression hearing wherein he proved the officers had violated my son's rights and the drugs that were confiscated could not be used as evidence against him. Therefore the feds had no case, with that in mind they concocted the home phone thing and offered him 4 years. This time is over and above the year and a half he had already done on this charge.

My son currently resides at the Federal Correctional Facility, Lompoc, CA. The feds have a great 900 hour drug program that if completed allows time off your sentence. I did the program and my son is finally getting to start his program on tuesday.

Although his path took a slight detour he too had already made major changes in his life while waiting for the outcome of this ordeal.

He is engaged to an amazing woman who has a family owned business and the family loves my kid. His fiance has saved the money for them to buy a house when he gets out and start their family.

We all make mistakes, as long as we learn from them I think we'll be ok. It's when you keep repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results that your setting yourself up to fail. God knows I did for long enough!!

Man Smack

2007-11-09T13:07:00.001-08:00

I work in an office that is pretty much all men and the man smack is hilarious, constant pissing contests. I'm not a man hater but men truly are different creatures. The Puerto Rican will spew out man smack once in a while and i have to laugh, men talk so much shit. It's even better when you intimately know the man spewing the smack and know that it's just that "man smack". If the fellows could see him now!!

TPR is an electrician working on new construction sites, on occassion i have gone to the site for lunch and it reminds me of a men's prison yard. All men strutting their stuff, testosterone on steroids. Whoever has the biggest truck with the most toys win.

Fuzzy Friday Thinking!!

2007-11-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

When I first moved to Utah from California in 1995 I absolutly hated the four seasons. When I first got back to the beehive state 2 years ago I couldn't wait for the first snow, now I'm ready for a tropical island. Which brings me to the topic I was thinking of when I started this post. THE WEATHER! it has been amazing we are almost half way into Novemeber and not a snowflake in sight.

I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what to get The Puerto Rican for xmas, yes I know it's early but I found that getting all the xmas shopping done ahead of time makes for a less stressful christmas crunch.

TPR loves to snowboard/ski, he's into that cold shit. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to get him a snowboard, boots and bindings. Cost? about $500

Advantage? while he is out freezing his ass off, I will be sitting in the nice warm & cozy cabin we will be renting for the weekend close to the slopes.
Damn I amaze myself sometimes, as The Puerto Rican says "my intelligence overwhelms him
:-)

Time, Talk & Stuff Finale

2007-11-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

After reading my previous posts I'm not really sure where I was going with this. Yes i have horror stories, I have issues and I had tragedies in my life. But Shit Happens. I made it back from the darkside.

Somewhere I lost my focus/motivation with school and quit.

I have been clean now almost 5 years and out of prison for almost 4, I have credit cards, pay my bills on time. I went to Hawaii in Spetember for my very first vacation ever and life is good.

So why am I feeling like a mid life crisis is about to errupt???

Time, Talk & Stuff

2007-11-07T12:56:00.000-08:00

Part 3:

The beehive state was not very receptive to my return. The welcoming committee got worse not better. The parole office was my next stop to meet my new po. He was not overjoyed with my transfer back to the land of crime & opportunity. I on the other hand was absolutely enchanted to be home again.

My drug use had lasted over a decade, most of that time I had a regular job and seemed like a fairly normal person. It was the last 5 years that things had spun way out of control and during that time I had racked up quite a rap sheet. The police & parole offices alike knew me and thought my likelihood of a clean & sober life was pretty slim.

I totally understood their concern, it was me, it was my life that was so fucked up. That was me that couldn’t stay clean a day, an hour, long enough to go down and give a piss test. I never thought I would be where I was at this point, not just drug free but able to function without even thinking of getting high.

But I was not to be deterred, I knew that the road back home would not be easy and I was going to have to prove that I had changed.

The land of crime & opportunity was not very open to giving me a job, I interviewed for many positions that I was more then qualified for however I was now branded as a bad person. Although I was working my butt off to be a better person, educating myself, paying my bills, doing it the right way, it seemed a 2nd chance was not in the cards for me.

The thing about California is there are so many millions of people there it’s not that big of a deal to be a felon. The beehive state on the other hand has a whopping 2 million people total, in the whole fucking state. Are you kidding me?? My crime requires that I tell a potential employer up front that I am on paper. Imagine the response I got from that tid bit of information, it was not pretty.

My biggest priority was getting back into school. I had great ideas, I had been in the system and I knew what was going on inside, I knew I could help some of the women but I needed to get that education first. I was paying my own tuition in California, it’s amazingly cheap to go to school there. Education like everything else in the beehive state is a racket and it cost 10 times as much to go to college here.

I finally landed a job at a call center. I was horrified, of all the jobs I interviewed for that was the one I wanted the least and of course that was the only one that offered me employment. I tried to get help with my tuition from the state and because I was making a staggering $9 an hour I didn’t qualify.

Surprisingly enough my attitude was still good and I was STILL moving in the right direction.

Time, Talk & Stuff

2007-11-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

Part 2:

I honestly had no intention of ever coming back to the beehive state but once the thought popped into my head all the doors just opened up and I was packed within 2 weeks and ready to go. I quit my job as an office manager, working for a great guy who gave me a second chance. Finished my finals and off I went in my little Nissan.

The thing is, I was a changed person, it’s hard to determine what it is exactly that caused that transformation into a reformed citizen, a productive part of society. Prison never scared me and that is why I continued to do the things I did until I finally ended up there. But looking back I guess I finally out grew it; the drugs, illegal activity, and life style.

I used drugs for 16 years straight. I was a functioning addict if you will, then I began functioning on other’s peoples money. But this story is more about what I have done since prison not to get there.

Possessions intact off I went to the beehive state. I was quite excited, my son was there and my brothers, whom I raised and have always been very close to. I had been gone 3 years. I was a changed woman and ready to face the land of crime & opportunity as a different person.

Almost immediately upon my arrival I ran into some of my very good using buddies. One in particular my good friend Jeffrey. We had spent a lot of time together and he was one of my best friends.

Jeffrey was very happy to see me and as I am standing there talking to him I came face to face with my past. It’s easy to be in a place where you don’t know anyone, don’t ever pass by your old connection's house, never run into drug friends.

It is completely different to be confronted by an old version of yourself. I told him I was not that person anymore and I had changed my life. Much to his dismay, he wished me well and said goodbye!! I was quite shaken and he was quite high.

Although I had changed the land of crime & opportunity was the same. The same people doing the same old things. Looking at the landscape lot’s had changed, Salt Lake City had received a face lift, new subdivisions, Walmarts everywhere. But the people, the darkside and the ugliness was still there lurking.

Time, Talk & Stuff

2007-11-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

Part 1: this story could never be told all at once.

In 2004 I was released from club fed. I was sent to a half way house in Salinas, CA where I was the only female with about 40 men. I came out of prison with big dreams of becoming an advocate for the inmates. I saw many injustices and although many of those women deserved to be locked up many did not.

The federal system unlike the state is very black & white. They have guidelines in place with minimum/mandatory sentences and the facts or circumstances don’t really matter much. I saw women doing serious time for a phone call, or giving someone a ride. Conspiracy is a huge net that can catch one of almost any offense and usually carries a long stretch of time with it.

This example is a very mild case: John Doe uses his home phone to arrange a drug deal, the telephone lines are federal and John Doe just committed a federal offense. He will do a minimum of 4 years for this crime.

One of the biggest issues I saw is the prisons are not prepared for women.

There have been men in prisons for many, many years. With the meth epidemic, the increasing identity theft crimes that go hand in hand with meth addiction, women ARE in prison and more are coming. They offer nothing to these ladies of the penal system, nothing to fall back on, and nothing useful to prevent the recidivism rate.

So off to school I go, it had been 23 years since I was last in a class room and I was scared to death. I started school and surprisingly enough I did very well. All those years of drug use apparently didn’t kill too many brain cells. I interviewed at the college of law and my felony convictions were not going to prohibit me from changing the world.

I made it through the 1st semester with straight A’s and although I was among strangers and completely alone in California, I kept on keeping on. All of my family was here in the great state of beehives.

And then it came, the call to come home, back to the land of crime & opportunity. I had been out 1 year and clean for 2.

Monday Blues

2007-11-05T13:43:00.000-08:00

Today is a Monday for sure!! Not much to Blog about!! TPR and i saw "American Gangster" over the weekend, loved it!!!! it was great!!! i am partial to hard core criminal types and Denzel fit the bill perfectly.
I ordered a turkey fryer online for the holiday, I've never used one before but i've heard they make amazing turkey. Looks like we will be having a small dinner at home and i have my new turkey day recipes all lined up. Happy monday all!!

Gone Baby Gone

2007-11-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

The Puerto Rican and I are movie buffs. We do the blockbuster online thing and they don't make movies fast enough for us. Last night we went to see "Gone Baby Gone". It is a gritty, dark drama set in Boston, MA about a 4 year old girl who is missing. The movie is full of suspense and has some really good twists that I never saw coming. It's rare to see a movie that you can't predict almost every event. The end leaves the main character with a very tough decision that makes you walk out wondering what would you do. Definetly a two thumbs up.

2 Things

2007-11-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

1. I lied! I realized on my way to work this morning I lied yesterday. I have slept with a married man. About 9 years ago among other things I was a cyber ho. I was single, high and living so close to the edge I had to where weights on one side to keep myself from plummeting so far down the dark side there was no return.
I met a man online who was a real estate developer, he would fly into Salt Lake City and look at properties to put a jumbo mall, or so he said. He lived in Maryland with his wife and small child.
When he would come to town I would dress up like a fashion model, hooker, something. We would meet for dinner at the Hotel Monaco have a very nice dinner and then head to his room for some very, very hot sex.

2. I am engaged to the most amazing man in the world, he is silly, kind, respectful, loving and huge on inappropriate behavior. As you can see from #1, I was anything but appropriate in my past. In his world I was a virgin before him. Which is ok, but….I was so excited when I started my blog it is the one place I can be me, inappropriate, truthful, whatever. However, one of my fellow bloggers works in my office which is very small and primarily men, I trust him to an extent but do I just say fuck it and give myself the freedom of speech and let it all hang out or do I censor my blogs to keep from being the water cooler conversation?

2007-10-31T15:54:00.000-07:00

OneHung has tagged me and I will oblige but i don't know 7 bloggers to tag. Forgive me!

The rules of the game are:
A) Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog
B) Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself
C) Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs
D) Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am a noise freak, I rarely listen to music in the car and when my son was small I would come out of my skin when he would continuously fuck with the coke can – squeezing it in & out so it made a horrible noise.
2. I get road rage so badly one day my head is going to spontaneously combust, If I wasn’t a restricted person I would own at least one assault rifle.
3. I am a great cook, I have serious skills in the kitchen and would love to open a very small bistro someday.
4. I was a drug addict for many years
5. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how tragic. Most people would read my auto biography and cringe yet I know that all those experiences have made me who I am and I’m a good person. I wouldn’t change a thing.
6. I have never, ever dated or slept with a married man, there are too many men in the world and a gurl has to have some morals.
7. I have a trashy mouth, I can be very professional and cuss like the worst kind of truck driver!!

I am tagging the following:

That One Guy
Its The Little Things
Confessions of a College Callgirl
The Kept Woman