men are from mars, women are from venus

Men and women are such different creatures, i never really realized just how much so. there is a book that came out years ago i think i need to check out "men are from mars, women are from venus".
I found out this weekend that men truly are simple beings, they are one track minded and hopefully the one track is not associated with their penis. TPR broke it down to me as no man ever has and I was astounded, but feel much better now.
Unfortunately woman are of a different cloth, TPR said i was an enigma once, not like any other woman he has ever met, i would rather wear means jeans and a hoodie then get all dolled up, i never wear make up and the most i do with my hair is a little gel if it's not pulled back into a pony tail, i have always been very strong and even referred to as quite cold. Something is changing though and it's quite peculiar, i am getting emotions and feelings going all haywire, i have stuff coming up from so long ago which i suppressed with drugs for so many years that i thought i had rid myself of all those girly emotional faults.
Life lessons are painful at times but usually right on the damn money if your paying attention.
Much Love & Merry Christmas to All!!

???

I want to drink, i need to get to an AA metting, my car has expired tags and i have 6 inches of snow in my driveway but most importantly the man i have been living with for the last 3 years is not who I thought he was.
My son has married into a family furniture business and TPR and i were at the store last week looking at some furniture, we have this huge place with nothing in it really, and the stuff we do have is not nice, doesn't match. So TPR and I picked out some really nice furniture that would go good in our place, last years and actually be comfortable enough to spend time in our living room with the spectacular view.........but i don't really care about the furniture, it's not what's going to make me happy, don't get me wrong i love to shop just like the next guy but I am not a materialistic person, i don't really care that much about having nice things.
I have been going through some shit lately, pain, pain pills, every remedy imaginable to try and feel better but nothing seems to be working.
My life sucks and the light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer and dimmer. YAY!

Relationships!

For the last 3 nights i have been sleeping in the spare bedroom, i was reading a blog this morning wherein this amazing woman in Texas is pulling her life together all alone, yet she is missing the elusive mate, i read her trials and tribulations with men. Always thinking the next one is the "the one". is there ever really the right/perfect man. I think not, I truly think a relationship is two people who have learned to tolerate each other, there are good times and bad but can a man and a woman be honestly happy for a long period of time. I want to be one of those couples that has been together for 50 years. But we can 't even get to the damn alter
I have treated TPR in a matter that i have never been with any other man, it's not something i had to work at weirdly enough it just came naturally. Maybe it's not about him at all maybe i have changed, but TPR is changing that wonderful love i have for him, that sweetness with which i adore him.
I'm working my ass off as home doing something i just don't like anymore - OH and I found out yesterday I'm going to be a grandma!!
Maybe that will bring something to my life that I'm missing, doubtful, especially since i do not like kids but you never know :-)
peace!

father

Last year when my dad made an appearance in my life for the first time in 10 years i was very, very guarded, i had held onto my resentment and little girl stuff for so long, after no contact for such a long time i was more comfortable with things the way they were.
But after much prodding from the family i agreed to see him. He is getting older and i may not have an opportunity to see him again.
His presence was enlightening, he said he wanted a relationship with his children and that he apologized for fucking our lives up.
He was here in the beehive state for a couple days and then he was gone, i called him a couple times, sent some emails and he responded saying how proud he is of me after everything i have been through.
Last week when i lost my job i sent an email and i was a little angry over the whole probation bullshit, but mostly i was just looking for some of that support and NOTHING -
he never even responded.
As i am writing this i started rambling about how dad sends a check every month to my youngest brother and then i realized this isn't what this post is about but maybe that's what i was looking for, for my dad to offer to help as he has never done anything like that for me.
But instead the most wonderful man i have ever met said to me take your time, figure out what you want to do and I'll take care of the bills. true to his word he has been working overtime and busting his ass to make sure we are ok.
This is a switch for me, i have supported every man i have ever been with, TPR is a great guy. I feel very fortunate.

Today!

I spent a good portion of yesterday with my son, he had to go take his learner's permit test at the dmv and needed someone to drive him there. In Utah if you have never had a driver's license in another state you must take driver's education, no matter how old you are. In California once your 18 you can just go take the test and if you pass you get a driver's license. This driver's ed thing clearly explains why Utah has the worst driver's i have ever seen.

Anyway it was the most time i have spent with my kid since he got out, it was fun, he was cracking me up - we were sitting in the DMV laughing like 2 kids high for the first time on pot. He's a funny guy, truly funny.

Today is my 30th birthday again, another 30 day stretch with no alcohol.

I haven't even started looking for a job yet, TPR said he can take care of the bills until i figure out what i want to do. Not really sure anymore what i want to be when i grow up. I have been so focused on money the past year that i think i want to do something more rewarding, i would like to be able to use my experiences to help other people??

So ........ I have been working on the house, completing the construction zone mess we have been living in for almost a year. It's actually fun, TPR doesn't really like working on the house, I don't mind. I am spackling the ceiling where we cut in the can lights, I'm also completely redoing the upstairs bathroom.

I have become quite the housewife, never been that before. TPR likes it:-)

The Job

I lost my great job yesterday, I haven't been fired from a job since my druggin days, it wasn't much different except back then i never saw it coming, i saw it yesterday.
it all started last week, actually it started back in July when the feds starting fucking with me over the truck i bought and didn't release me off paper. I have been in contact with the attorney generals office, the federal court judge and my PO trying to get this situation resolved so that i may continue on with my life in a prosperous manor.
unfortunately i didn't get it done in time and my PO told me i had 30 days to let my job know i was a felon, so last Thursday I went to the loan officer who i was processing for and told him i had gotten into some trouble 8 years ago that put me on probation and that i was almost off except for the financial details, i didn't go into much detail and he was like "oh no worries, i got into trouble too, do you need me to call your po and say I'm your boss?" I was quite impressed that he was so cool about it and thought all was well. I figured after 30 days he knew he couldn't live without me.
the next morning my PO called and said the owner was calling him wanting more info and to do a background check.
it went from bad to worse and yesterday they fired me, i didn't lie, no one ever asked and i never filled out an application.
the man i was processing from home for who has been begging me to process for him again was one of the first people i called and his reaction was "what are you going to do now".
So I am feeling like a career change is in order - i think i want to go work at walmart or home depot at least until i get the feds off my back, get my record expunged and am free & clear to live a normal life. I have paid my dues, every single day of it and it's still not enough.
The best part is I tried to apply for medicaid this morning as my sciatica nerve is now so bad i can hardly walk, sit or lay down and I of course don't qualify because I don't have any children or am not disabled. Welcome to America where they fuck you coming and going unless your from another country.

Appreciation

Salt Lake City is a very small place, you can drive 5 miles in one direction and be in a completely different world then five miles in the other direction. A few years back during my drug/criminal heyday i used to live downtown and i loved it. the city is alive all hours of the night which works well for someone who is on tweaker time.
Now that i live up on the east bench in one of the nicest area's of salt lake away from the ghetto's and minority sections of town (Utah is still predominately white) coming downtown to work everyday makes me appreciate what i have and what i have been through.
I stopped in to Mc Donalds this morning to grab a mcmuffin and there was this kid, literally he couldn't have been more then 19 - 20 years old and he was standing there eating an apple like it was the first food he had ate in days. i watched him devour it down to the core. as i came around through the drive through the young man walked up to a car and asked someone for spare change, the man said no.
this kid tore at my heart strings and as i came out of the drive through i looped back around and called him to my car, i gave him $4 and told him to go eat. He looked into my eyes and told me how much he appreciates it. That could be my son, or any one of his friends whom i have considered to be like my own. He is just a kid, it brought tears to my eyes. I see many mentally ill roaming the streets downtown talking to themselves or the voices in their head, but it's hurts me to see young people in the street. I know some are just out there hustling and i respect that but on occasion I see one that touches me somewhere deep inside and I thank the universe for what I have and what i am able to give.

Monday Office Tid Bit

So i figured out what it is about the women here that bug me, remember i said i sit in a pool of women surrounded by men? there are 6 or 7 cubicles connected together, nice textured walls with crown molding along the top, not that steel/felt shit you see for most office cubicles. anyway there are men in the surrounding offices, cubicles, they walk past all day and at least one is always within earshot of the pool of women i am in.
so....the women are always trying to be cute and funny and sexy with each other to impress the men. it's rather nauseating, i rec'vd a very nice compliment this morning from one of those men. He said everytime he walks by my cube i am always so focused on my work and that they need more processors here who are as focused on their job.
kudos to me - i'm sure this just pushed me farther up the hate list with said women :-)

Yummy!

I am so burnt out on eating the same old stuff, my mom is vegan extreme, she gave me some vegetarian cook books and i made the most amazing taco's last night. i sauteed some zucchini, blanched 2 ears of corn, raw red pepper, green onions, cilantro, ortega chiles, a little cumin, mixed it with white rice, a little olive oil and served it over black beans w/some pepper jack cheese in taco shells, it was so good.

We had a fairly good weekend, it was the last weekend of decent weather for the year so we rode the bikes through the mountains, up into sundance and out the other side. We rode alittle over 100 miles - it liked to killed me :-)

the ride there wasn't bad we stopped every so often stretched the legs, walked around but the ride home was brutal. a straight shot with no stops when we got home i could barely climb off the beast. I'm getting too old - i popped a couple percocets and all was well.

My therapist gave me a laundry list of homework of sorts, relaxing technics i am supposed to incorporate into my daily routine, i have not done any of them. I did however make a conscious decision to try to not take TPR's angry outbursts personally.

It's not easy, it's actually very, very hard, but it's making for more pleasant times.

happy hallow eenie

Happy Halloweenie!!
Everyone is all dressed up and it's quite cute - i was going to get a costume and TPR made me feel so dumb about the whole thing i chose not to. Our relationship is changing - i have started seeing a private therapist, an amazng woman. I know i have issue' s that effect how i feel about myself which in turn effects how i react to everything TPR says and does, it's my stuff and I own it, but i am trying to work it out as I want something healthy if that's even a real thing? healthy relationship.
after the last drunk i made a deal with TPR we would get couples counseling - then i realized we needed to work on our own stuff seperately and then see a couples therapist together - he agreed. i have seen a therapist already and have agreed to see her every week. TPR has decided the problems are all me and that he doesn't need to see an individual therapist but that we just need to see one together so he can reveal all his issues with me.
I told him that after 6 months of sobriety we ended up right back at square one and that for this to work he has to be doing his own work, i changed, i went to AA, quit drinking and he was still the same angry person he always was.
once again i am making the changes i need to to do my own work and TPR is doing nothing but being the same. i am worried that at some point one of two things will happen we will end up right back where we started or i will outgrow him while getting tired of waiting for him to do his own work.
most importantly i don't want to wake up in 20 years next to someone that i just share space with, i want more - life is so short and we take it for granted, we don't have forever, people will not always be there tomorrow or next month, love is not always enough, it takes more.